Well… I’m about halfway through my first semester at university. 

My grades are still exceptional, far exceeding what I expected I’d have by now. Part of that may be because my classes at university aren’t as difficult as they were at community college. Unlike community college, I can bring notes to most of my exams, and I’ve plenty of resources and busywork to keep me on top of my studies. But, I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to my new environment at university, and it’s clearly taking a toll on me in every possible way. 

My mental and emotional health have been hit the hardest. 

I knew that going to university would start off rough. I knew that I’d probably spend the first semester (at least) freaking the fuck out about everything besides academics. I knew I’d feel completely out of my element; completely and utterly stupid in a sea of top-notch geniuses. I knew that I’d have to face a lot of my fears daily. I knew all of this and more, and I still went to university anyway. 

Why did I decide to do this to myself? 

To be honest, I don’t really know. 

I knew I had to do something with my life, especially after spending almost two years locked down (and going crazy) during the covid pandemic. But, what exactly? I didn’t have the damndest clue. 

Somehow, my closest friends and family convinced me to take one class at community college. If that went well (and it did), I agreed to give two classes a shot the following semester, then three classes, then four, making my way towards a full-time college schedule while grappling with subjects I believed I was far too stupid to comprehend. 

To my utter surprise, I wasn’t too stupid for community college, even when I took math and science courses that I never believed I’d pass (till I did). However, I continued to downplay my accomplishments, saying things like, “Yeah, well it’s community college.” and, “I’m not going to university. There’s no way in hell I can do it.”

“University’s actually easier than community college, most of the time!” friends and family retorted, “You’re doing so well in community college, you’ll do just fine at university.”

For some reason I didn’t believe a word anyone said about university being easier than community college. But, my parents insisted I tour some universities over the summer and apply to the ones I felt fit me “best”. After touring a handful of local universities within driving distance of my house, I wasn’t exactly feeling better about attending university. In fact, I felt worse about going to university. 

They all seemed way too… pretentious… for lack of better words, and I felt there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell I’d succeed in any one of them. I'm definitely not a pretentious person, after all. I don't even own a polo shirt.