Now that my head’s clear, once again, and my body’s no longer stuck in panic-mode, I can start to understand why I was feeling so stressed out earlier. My body wasn’t reacting to anything new. I think the stress of going to university in downtown Denver just built up over time, and I never took much (if any) time out of my day to release that pressure, as I’ve been so focused on plowing through schoolwork and forcing myself to get used to my new surroundings. 

Thing is, I can’t force myself to get used to something new, especially something as drastic and terrifying as pursuing a fucking STEM degree at one of the top research universities in the nation. 

Of course, I’m frustrated by this fact. I’m frustrated that it simply takes time- time I feel I do not have- to get used to something so new and previously unthinkable as university. Especially since the “getting used to” part is so hard for me to do, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. 

What do I mean by that?

Well, physically speaking, I’m still very skittish throughout the day. I can’t always tell if I’m excited or terrified. Perhaps, it’s a bit of both, and my body just struggles to differentiate the two since, physiologically speaking, happy excitement and terror are the exact same thing. 

Indeed, it’s the emotion behind those physical feelings that define whether they’re good or bad. And, I’ll be honest, my emotional state ain’t that great either; it tends to err on the side of terror, rather than looking forward to the day ahead. 

Emotionally, it’s equally hard. When my body freaks out on me, it’s very difficult to keep my mind calm. It’s doable, and so far, I’ve managed to keep my cool despite my body freaking the fuck out sometimes (especially my heart. My heart does nothing but race from the time I wake up till the time I get home from campus). But, I’ve had my moments, and some days are harder than others. 

Spiritually, I’m also a mess. Attending university has plunged me into the depths of a major identity crisis that I cannot put into words. Whatever I’m enduring right now is arguably worse than the identity crises I experienced in community college. 

The crises themselves are no different at university than they were in community college; I still think I’m woefully ill-prepared for college, and no matter what I do (or don’t do) to blend in with the academic crowd, I’ll always be considered the village idiot and the butt of everyone’s jokes. But at university, where I’m surrounded by immaculate greenspaces, ornate buildings, and people who are dressed to impress and seem to have their shit together, those feelings of inadequacy are being amplified tenfold.

As of now, all I want to do is retreat to the safety of isolation, and never go back to university.