Well… I just got back to my Xterra after taking my first precalculus exam and… let’s just say I’m not feeling too great about it.

I did my best, I wrote down everything I remembered and documented everything I typed into my calculator. But, I’d still be surprised if I passed. Why do I say that? 

Well… frankly, that test was hard! Not only was I without a calculator for half of it, it was 100% closed-note and the professor purposefully wrote the test to be more challenging compared to our open-note homework. Basically, you really needed to know your shit to do well on the test, and memorizing formulas and shit like that just… isn’t my strong suit. 

However, none of this really matters in the end. Whether I pass or fail, I just know that I did my absolute best. I spent almost the entire two-hour-and-fifteen minute test period with my head buried in the test, doing my best not to worry about the time or what other people around me were up to (even though there was a girl behind me who was literally in tears). I wrote everything down as I did the test (which showed me that I’d memorized way more than I was expecting), paced myself, occasionally took a couple of minutes to relax when I felt my heart racing too fast, and… again. I just did my very best. 

When I got home, I was pleasantly surprised to see that, due to the fact that I did all of my math homework (and then some), I was holding an 88% in the class. Of course, compared to the exams, homework grades don’t really matter in terms of points. But, it did show me that I can do math in certain environments. Therefore, I shouldn’t give up even if I completely bombed this exam. 

Just because I might fail a closed-note, half-without-calculator test in a room full of super stressed students, doesn’t mean I’m bad at math. I just can’t do math in such an environment for the same reason I can’t do anything when someone’s looking over my shoulder. That means that if I failed the exam, next time I need to do it in the testing center with my accomodations in place, so that I’m not distracted by sniveling, freaked out students, or people who completed the exam 15 minutes into it and loudly shut the door behind them (which probably means they gave up). 

But, enough of that lamenting! I haven’t gotten my exam grade back yet and I probably won’t get it until tomorrow (at least). So, I’m just gonna keep on truckin’, as usual. 

 With the refund date a week behind me, I’m way too stubborn to quit, even though I was never taught trigonometry. In fact, a failing grade tends to motivate me even more to succeed, because I practically run on spite. If someone tells me I can’t do something, you bet your ass I’ll do it just to prove them wrong! It might take me a few tries, but I’ll eventually succeed (kind of like how it took me a few tries to get my Xterra out of a 2-foot-deep slush-drift this morning). 

Plus, math is a very difficult subject. Sure, to some people, math comes easy. Some people get lucky and have a great experience in K-12 that enable them to fortify their math skills with rebar and everything! But, for most other people, math does not come easy. And, for people like me, not only does it not come easy, but I had much bigger problems to worry about. Much bigger problems…

That’s why there are far fewer mathematicians than there are writers and social workers. That’s why people are amazed when one manages to do well in math-heavy college courses. That’s why I’m still proud of myself even though the idea of failing a course stings.