Now, why do I admit to being such a wuss? Well… very long story short, I just am. I get panicky really easily. I am always catastrophizing, jumping, ready and waiting for shit to go down, no matter where I am or what I’m up to. Worse, my fear is paralyzing in nearly every way. Not just fresh bear tracks scare me. Damn near everything scares me, and no, I’m sadly not exaggerating. 

This fear is exhausting, to say the least. It’s embarrassing too. After all, I’m twenty-two years old, damnit! I’m healthier than I’ve ever been before (physically, at least). I’m getting more and more confident and independent every day. And yet… I can’t even ride in a elevator by myself, or spend five minutes in downtown Denver without freaking the fuck out. 

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Good news is, I know the answer (or rather, answers) to that question. The bad news is… well… I know the answer(s) to that question. 

While with lots and lots of therapy, hard work, self-care, good habits and routines, support from family and friends, etc, I can (and am, and will) learn how to cope with my anxieties well enough to get on with life despite them. My crippling fear will probably never go away. I will just have to pick and choose which fears to conquer, and which fears to leave be, depending on what I do and don’t do with my life. 

Right now, I can afford avoiding elevators. But, I’m not so sure I can afford fearing bears or their tracks like I do anymore, considering that I have access to thousands of acres of private open space, in one of Colorado’s most unique landscapes, and crawling with wildlife. Do I really want to throw that away because of my (mainly) irrational fear of getting mauled by a hangry bear? 

Well… no. Of course not!

So, the next question becomes: how do I lose my irrational fear of bears (and my irrational fear of nature in general)? Keyword: irrational. 

It’s one thing to have a healthy respect for nature and wildlife. But, what I’ve got going on goes well beyond having a healthy respect for God’s creation. It’s not healthy. It’s not helpful. It’s one thing to be aware of one’s surroundings when out in nature (or anywhere really). It’s something completely else to freak the hell out over a bee buzzing by. 

I’ve known that my anxiety surrounding the wilderness has been beyond excessive for years and years. My great uncle Courtney used to (and still often does) tell me that I made his easily-spooked horses look bombproof when I was around. When I was working on getting my hunter’s safety license, he flat-out told me that everything about hunting would be a piece of cake compared to the anxiety I’d have to temper in order to be a successful hunter; to be successful in the world in general. 

Unfortunately, while I’ve proven to be a successful hunter, and I’m more-or-less getting along in the world just fine, I am still a very anxious creature. My anxiety still gets in the way of every little thing that I do. And, more often than I’d like to admit, my anxiety overwhelms me, preventing me from doing things I want to (and ought to) be doing (such as taking more than two college classes at a time). 

The question now becomes: what do I do to alleviate my crippling anxiety?

First off, I’ve learned to confront it head-on in many instances, without suppressing or minimalizing the fear. What do I mean by that? 

Well… for instance, I’m still very scared of driving in the city and on the highways. After all, driving is objectively dangerous, and I know, from first-hand experience, what something as minor as a fender-bender at a stoplight can do to a person and their car (let alone a collision at highway speeds). However, considering that I live in the city, fear public transportation even more than driving myself, and I have shit to do every day that is well beyond walking distance, I’ve had to learn how to drive in town despite my fear. 

Yes, driving is scary. It is dangerous. My fear is valid. But, I still need to drive. 

So, aside from talk therapy, journaling, exposure therapy, medication, etc, I purposefully drive a big vehicle with side airbags to better protect myself. Sure, my Xterra gets shitty gas mileage, and parallel parking that thing in Denver is harder than solving a Rubik’s dodecahedron most days. But, I still do it. I still drive to and through Denver on 285 and Santa Fe quite often, and parallel park on narrow, crowded streets not built for Xterras, all without hitting the panic button. I can be very afraid without going into a full-fledged freakout. 

The same thing goes for everything And damn… is it exhausting!