“Now as Jesus was passing by, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who committed the sin that caused him to be born blind, this man or his parents?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but he was born blind so that the acts of God may be revealed through what happens to him. We must perform the deeds of the one who sent me as long as it is daytime. Night is coming when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” Having said this, he spat on the ground and made some mud with the saliva. He smeared the mud on the blind man’s eyes and said to him, “Go wash in the pool of Siloam.” So the blind man went away and washed, and came back seeing.”
John 9:1-7.
I, too, have had my “biblical blind man” moments, none of which my doctors have been able to fully (or even partially) explain. The most remarkable and inexplicable miracle I’ve experienced (thus far) was when my heart, afflicted with Pulmonary Atresia, suddenly grew back a fully functional Pulmonary valve when I was five years old.
When I was born, the valve was severely deformed, and I underwent emergency open heart surgery when I was three days old to get it removed (apparently, it was okay for me to live with blood freely flowing back and fourth through the hole where the valve had been). Then, when I was a toddler, doctors put in a temporary shunt with a rubber valve attached to it, which they’d have to replace when I outgrew it as a ten-year-old. More permanent valve options wouldn’t be available to me till I was a fully grown adult.
However, for whatever reason, my heart valve literally grew back when I was five years old. It absorbed the shunt and rubber valve, practically overnight (I was going to the hospital at least once every two months for regular, comprehensive checkups, and they didn’t detect the valve until it was already fully back), saving me from ever needing another surgery to replace the shunt.
To this day, I don’t know what to really think of that miracle (or any other miracle I’ve experienced for that matter). Of course, I’m grateful for these moments of Divine Intervention. But, there are so many other emotions that accompany my gratefulness for life; anxiety, fear, survivor’s guilt, uncertainty, bewilderment. To be honest, talking about these miracles makes me uncomfortable, because I almost feel like I’m bullshitting. Except… I’m not. I have the scars, pictures, and the paperwork to prove it.
In this world, heart valves don’t just grow back after being removed and replaced with a shunt for years. I’m the only known case of one’s body just curing Pulmonary Atresia by itself for no apparent reason. Dr. David Miller (my cardiologist) still can’t explain what really happened to me, or why.
“You’re just a freak-of-nature!” he always says whenever I ask why my heart valve just grew back, “And a miracle of God. Don’t forget that!”
But, why? Why me? Why only me? Evidently, God can grow body parts back overnight whenever He wants to. Yet, for some weird reason, I’m the only known person born with Pulmonary Atresia who has grown a fully functional Pulmonary valve out of thin air. Again, why? Why, why, why? Why me? What the hell was God up to when He decided to cure Pulmonary Atresia for the first (and only) time, so far, using my heart for it?
I’m not any more important or special than anyone else born with Pulmonary Atresia (or anyone born without it for that matter). In my mind, everyone with Pulmonary Atresia ought to experience the same thing I did. Except… to my knowledge, I’m the only one who has ever experienced a miracle like that. And, it fills me with shitloads of survivor’s guilt. And the worry that I’m not living up to whatever expectations God had for me when He cured my heart.
