I thought I’d prepared well. I knew my material. The topic was something I was extremely excited and passionate about, and I could talk about all day (nature, of course).

I had practiced my speech, and cut it down to fit into 6 minutes with 10 seconds or so to spare. I’d followed my professor’s advice when it came to writing the outline, resulting in me getting a 100% on it. I’d even brought a few dried samples of foliage to show off so people could get an idea of the size of each thing I talked about. And I started my speech off strong and confident. 

Everything was perfect… until it wasn’t. 

Yes, I was terrified from the start. Like usual, before walking into the building, I took some Propranolol with a bottle of Ginger Ale, spent a couple minutes doing progressive muscle relaxation workouts, and strutted to class like I ruled the campus. But, all of my preparation, confidence, and knowledge seemed to go immediately out the window about a quarter of the way through my speech. 

Up until then, everything seemed to be going smoothly. Again, I knew exactly what I wanted to say and how to say it. I knew exactly what I wanted to show people and how to show them. I had my eyes on the clock and counted down the seconds per slide/card. But, then… disaster struck. 

I knew I was in serious trouble when my breathing became shallow and my glasses started to fog up as my body began to roast. Talking got progressively harder as my airways constricted. My vision tunneled and my hearing began to muffle. I could tell I was stuttering and speaking slower, especially when talking about Ponderosas and transitioning to talking about Mule Deer. By the time I got to talking about Merriam turkeys, I was getting incredibly lightheaded and only had 30 seconds before I hit the 6 minute mark. 

I don’t remember how I managed to get through the rest of the turkey slide, let alone the Bullsnake slide (though I did, because that’s the last slide I showed everyone). What I do know is that my internal monologue was in full-blown panic mode. If I didn’t get my ass back in my chair in T-minus ten seconds after abruptly concluding my speech, I’d be leaving campus in an ambulance. My vision, at that point, was almost completely gone due to one of the worst ocular migraines I’ve ever had, and I felt like I was standing on the deck of a fishing boat in rough seas. 

Miraculously, I not only managed to conclude my speech at the Bullsnake slide, but I answered a question about silver sage and was able to calmly walk back to my seat, despite the fact that I felt like I was completely underwater and literally drowning. Seriously, God must’ve taken control at that point, because I was completely engulfed and at the mercy of a merciless panic attack. Helpless and absolutely fucking terrified, unsure of what to do or say next. 

Since I was the second student to give my speech that day, I was stuck in that classroom for about another hour. I sat with the back of my chair against a wall, so I could still watch other students present, but had extra support behind me in case I truly did pass out, as my head spun and my eyes failed to focus on my surroundings. Amazingly, I did not pass out (as far as I know), though I am certain I shook hands with the other side at some point after giving my speech. 

Even more amazingly, I did manage to calm down significantly throughout the rest of class. Not enough to get anywhere close to normal, but at least I could see, hear, and speak somewhat coherently again, and I would be safe to drive home. 

The humiliation didn’t set in until hours after I got home, and that “withdraw from class” link has never been more tempting. In fact, I’m still tempted to drop the class. But, I’ve decided to wait what the prof has to say, as I won’t get my grades/feedback back until at least Friday. I’m not saying I’ll drop the class if it turns out I flunked the speech, but right now, I can’t say I’m totally committed to the class either. 

What happened in Tuesday’s speech class was my worst nightmare, by far, coming to fruition. 

What made the whole shitshow worse was that I knew the material. I felt confident in what I knew and what I wanted to say. I had color-coded notecards by my side. I had a few seconds to practice with the clicker. There were zero technical difficulties. My professor gave my speech outline 100/100 points, because I’ve finally figured out exactly what she expects from me. I started the speech off strong and confident. Everything, for the first time in this class, seemed to be lining up in my favor. 

Until, out of absolutely nowhere, my physiology betrayed me at the worst possible time, in the worst possible place, for some godforsaken unknown reason, in front of the entire miniature lecture hall. It was like the cable connecting my mind to my body had been completely severed suddenly, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. 

This experience has only made my fear of public speaking exponentially worse. No words can even begin to come close to expressing how much worse my public speaking anxiety has become. Exposure therapy my ass!