I'm not as simple as my anxiety would have me believe. I'm a complex human being, with dislikes and likes, dreams and goals not influenced purely by my trauma and anxiety.

Sure, I do worry about the future, and my future goals are influenced by that fear to an extent, especially given the way covid fucked up the world. But, that's perfectly normal. Everyone is kind of in freak-out mode right now. I'm not the only one out there suffering from fear of the future after what's happened the last couple years or so. 

The cost of living is getting so high in most places around the world, that worldwide homelessness is skyrocketing. Subsequently, the average life expectancy is dropping, along with the average standard of living. More and more people are being forced to pod with others to afford their single-family homes or apartments. Farmland in the Midwest has gone from $1,000-$3,000 an acre to $11,000 to $13,000 an acre and higher in some places. Wages are stagnating and even falling in many places, while they're skyrocketing in other industries. Crime is rising substantially as people become more and more desperate. No government seems to give a rat's ass about it either. If they do, they don't have a clue what to do.  

You'd be a fool not to be at least a little scared of what's currently going on, and what may lie ahead. In this way, I'm not ashamed to admit that my anxiety is largely driving my college career right now. I want to live a long, fruitful, independent life, working a career I don't despise and won't kill me, and still makes great money so I can live a secure and comfortable life. Right now, pursing a career in computer science/engineering seems like the best way to achieve those goals. 

At the same time, I'm terrified I'm not smart enough to go into a math/science heavy career, even though various attribute tests/surveys given to me by my college, as well as my Astronomy grades, and my interest in technology, say otherwise. I suffer horrifically from Imposter Syndrome, especially as my career choices narrow further and further, pushing me closer and closer towards an engineering/software degree. Something I never thought I'd go into. 

In a way, I feel condemned to fail, too. Growing up as an undiagnosed/misdiagnosed Autistic, school was absolute hell. I felt stupid, and was made to feel stupid, for learning and thinking in non-conventional ways. I still remember the names of the teachers who bullied me the worst, and I can't seem to forgive them for treating me so badly. Their voices berated me for even attempting to solve a math or science problem all throughout school, and they still haunt me in college. Same goes for my peer bullies in school. They annihilated my confidence in ways words can't even begin to describe, and I'm still extremely defensive and wary of my peers largely because I was bullied so badly. 

Not to mention my physical struggles. I was frequently absent from school due to hospitalizations, doctors' appointments, and general illness. On average, I missed about a month-and-a-half of school per year. I bounced from school to school very often, because nobody seemed to be able to properly accommodate me and treat me with the dignity and respect I deserved. Every year, I only got sicker, eventually getting to the point where I had to drop out completely. I'll never forget how utterly crushed and defeated I felt when I realized I just couldn't go to school for seven or eight hours a day, and expect to be okay. Even now, I still feel like I'm letting my CF win by acknowledging the reality that I am not "normal". 

Add in current events, and I can't stop laying awake at night, wondering what might happen if my health took a turn for the worst, and/or if I failed out of college. Sure, I'd survive thanks to my parents. But, is living in my mom's basement on Disability forever a life worth living? Honestly, I don't think so.

I start to get super stressed out if I stay home for more than a couple days. I like to get out-and-about. I find joy and purpose in doing things around the house, as well as outside of the house. I like a productive routine. I like to create things and fix things and solve problems. I like to be independent, and I dream of becoming fully independent one day. Without things like that, I really begin to lose it. Eventually, I'll lose the will to leave my bed at all. That's what happened during the worst of the pandemic; I would sometimes spend an entire week in bed, only getting up to eat every once in awhile. I never want to go back to sleeping to escape my reality again. Never. Ever. 

Part of that stems from anxiety. Keeping busy with challenging tasks and doing hard, physical exercise keep my anxiety at bay the most. But, a lot of it just stems from... well... me. It's simply a personality trait of mine. The need to create, challenge myself, and stay busy has always been something I've had, regardless of anxiety.

It's why I spent hours upon hours drawing, painting, solving puzzles, playing complex video games, and building Legos when I was little. It's why I found joy in volunteering at horse rescues on Saturday mornings and taking English riding lessons Saturday afternoons as a tween. It's why I got into Tae Kwon Do, Motocross, and hunting as a teen. It's why I was determined to finish high school on time after my Pseudomonas episode. It's why I finally got my driver's license shortly after my eighteenth birthday. It's why I am now in college, pursing a degree that absolutely petrifies me. I thrive on hard work and challenges. I thrive on pushing myself to do seemingly impossible things. I thrive on conquering my greatest fears, and finding power and confidence in things like driving in the ice and snow, or controlling the reins of a 1,200 pound animal on the wide open plains. 

However, I have to rest as well. Right now, I'm not giving myself that time to rest, resulting in physical health issues that don't seem to really have an explanation (I got my annual comprehensive blood test done the other day, and as far as I can tell, everything looks just fine). I know it's because I'm pressuring myself too much, and am simply doing too much. But, I don't want to believe that, because I'm surrounded by people at home, in college, and among friends who are doing way more than I am just fine. And, I want so badly to be just like them.

I want so badly to work, go to college, go to the gym and/or hiking trails, have a social life, travel for holidays, pursue hobbies, and so much more all at the same time. But, I can't do that right now. It's simply physically impossible for me to do without slowly killing myself in the process. I'm barely taking two college classes. I'm not working at all. My only non-college responsibilities are basic household chores, going to therapy, walking the dogs, and picking up my brother from school. Yet, even that seems like a little too much. And, that fucking sucks, and it hurts my soul to know that, no matter what, I'll never be like my peers. I'll never be like my parents. I'll never be able to do what everyone else seems to be able to do just fine. I feel defeated and scared by that. Even though, logically, I know I shouldn't feel that way. 

Both Mom and Dad remind me daily that I'm literally a walking series of impossible miracles. That I've gone far beyond what was expected of me just a year or two ago. That I need to relax and just hang out for once. That I don't need to worry about the things I lose sleep over. That it's okay for me to not be "normal". That I will find my place in this world. I know my parents are right. My anxiety and resentment towards myself and the future just refuses to let me believe them.