Days later, I am not feeling too great. I mean, after all I've been through in the span of less than four days, that's totally expected. It would be strange and alarming if I was feeling like my old self again after so much chaos. That doesn't mean I like it or am okay with it, however. 

Being stuck in a sort of "holding pattern" really doesn't feel very good, especially when there's so much I want to do and can do whenever I want. But, for whatever reason, something is holding me back, telling me to keep holding my horses. It's not depression. It's not anxiety. It's not hopelessness or grief. It's just a thing; like an invisible barrier in a video game. It's hard to put into words, for I know many people might not have a clue what I'm talking about. 

But, for instance, now that my mom's car is fixed, I have access to my Xterra 24/7 and can go wherever I want, when I want. I do get out every day, but lately, I haven't gone to many places. I can't say I'm falling back into old habits. I'm not venturing into the valley to hike (not because I'm not interested, but because I can't stop worrying about the mountain cougar that's been roaming around there). I'm not going fishing anytime soon. I'm not eating out at any of my favorite restaurants, or spending my stimulus checks on a new gaming laptop or a 20 gauge shotgun, as much as I want to. I just don't feel it's right to do any of that right now. There's no other way I can really explain it. 

Instead, the only things I feel like I have permission to do, are go on long walks around Clement park or my neighborhood, go to the grocery store every now and then, and go on long, roving drives around my neck of the woods. Out of these things, driving is my favorite activity at the moment. I don't know why. I guess I just found a route that I like that's basically one giant loop, where I can comfortably spend as much time as I want listening to music and watching the road ahead of me, with one hand on the wheel and the other resting on the window ledge, feeling the cold wind outside. And, as soon as I get tired, home is never far away. Still, as much as I would like to venture further east, I just don't feel like I have permission to do so, even though I easily could.

Again, it's difficult to explain these strange feelings, but I guess it's just something some people experience after going through a lot of stress, change, and trauma in a short period of time. At least, that's what my therapist said. It's good to know I'm not going crazy, or slipping into another brutal bout of depression. But, I still don't like feeling like this. 

Slowly but surely, I'm confident things will get back to normal, and I won't be stuck in this "holding pattern" for much longer. I'm confident I, and the rest of my family, will recover from all the drama, and get back to life as usual. 

But, at the moment, we're all just sort of paralyzed like fainting goats, and I'm starting to accept that it's okay and normal to be stuck like this at times. Sometimes, our minds just need some time to adjust and heal. And, we just need to give ourselves and others grace when we're healing, and ask God to tend to us, too. Just as the Lord was kind and caring towards Elijah when he was passed out under a tree in the wilderness.