There are many other things that have been weighing down on me, too. Being unable to spend valuable time with friends and family has been a huge weight on my shoulders throughout the last year or so. You see, I can (and do) go fishing right now, but fishing by myself isn't nearly as enjoyable as fishing with loved ones, even if I'm fishing off the main pier in the middle of downtown Gig Harbor on a weekend. On my own, fishing gets really boring really fast, even when I'm listening to podcasts and music or eavesdropping on others' conversations. With others, I could fish from one spot all day long and never get bored for a second. But, it's not just being bored and lonely that bothers me. 

When I'm around family and friends (particularly the ones I love and trust the most), I feel comfortable enough to just be myself, and to pour out my heart and soul to them, and to playfully mess with them. Very few things are better than spending a night shooting the shit around a bonfire, or going on adventures with others, or playfully driving each other up the wall with epic roasts and pranks. Sure, it's nice to spend a few hours around a fire, in the wilderness, or on the road alone. But again, unlike with others around, I get bored and lonely after a few hours. If I spend too much time bored and lonely by myself, my mind starts to drift into some very dark places. I, like everyone else, need some level of social interaction, even though I am still highly introverted and need plenty of time to recharge. I could spend a couple weeks alone and be totally okay. Chances are, I'd enjoy such a getaway very much. But, over an entire year? Turns out, I can do it, but not without severely damaging my mental health. 

I've also been increasingly craving fellowship with strangers, specifically in regards to a church. I know as soon as it is safe for us all to do so, I'm going to do my best to find a church to attend in-person. Now, as a rather new Christian (I guess one could say I was raised Christian, but I don't think the faith I was brought up in was actually very Christian, but that's besides the point), I don't know what I'm looking for in a church. I have a sense of what I desire (truth, love, acceptance, etc), but what church doesn't have those things as their values? If I'm gonna find a good church, I'm gonna have to walk in and sit down for a sermon to test the waters, which to me right now, is a lot less terrifying than it used to be. When I go to a new church, nobody there has to know that I'm really there. I can just blend into the crowd, not say a word, listen to the sermon, then leave. If I like what I heard and experienced, great! If I didn't, oh well. There are plenty of churches around here. There must be at least one church in Gig Harbor or Tacoma that truly practices Christianity. 

Sadly, due to my experiences with church and "Christianity" growing up, I'm very, very wary of anyone and anything that calls itself a Christian. But, I think I have an exceptionally good intuition, and I trust that God will also help guide me along as I hunt for a good church to attend.

In the past, I've been to churches that on the surface seemed okay, but something about them just didn't sit very well with me. I couldn't have been older than ten years old when my mom and I checked out a new church, and as soon as the pastor starting talking, all I kept hearing from him was, "Give us money. Give us money. Give us money.", which really alarmed ten-year-old me. I brought it up to my mom, who said I was just hearing the pastor wrong and the church was just fine. But, two months later, it came out that the pastor was dipping his grubby paws into the tithes, using it to build a two-million-dollar mansion in the mountains and put his kids through very expensive private schools. 

I've also been brought to churches that practice speaking in tongues and prophesying, both of which have never really made me feel like I was in the presence of anything good. When I was a little kid, that shit gave me nightmares. As a teen, I didn't think I was witnessing anything more than a literal babbling idiot. Now, as a young adult, I don't really know if I believe speaking in tongues and predicting the future is real, and if it is real, if it's of God or of something unholy. Considering how skittish, skeptical, and downright socially inept I usually am, I probably won't stick around if someone starts speaking in tongues or the pastor decides someone needs an exorcism (*Cue the song, "Fuck that Shit, I'm Out", which is one of the very few rap songs I like these days*).

Again, I doubt I'll ever fall for a shitty church. I'm too skittish and critically-minded to fall for predatory theology and creepy, cultish denominations. Unfortunately, I just don't know what denominations are decent, or what church near me is decent. Hell, I have absolutely no idea what church denomination I best fit into, if any. All of that uncertainty is deeply unsettling to me for many reasons. But, I guess I'll just have to have faith and trust in myself and God, gather up as much courage as I can, and start hanging out at various churches and bible studies. If something doesn't sit right with me, assuming I go to church alone, I can get the hell outta dodge.

Not only am I worried about the very real possibility of stepping foot into a not-so-great church and running into not-so-great "Christians", but, I still sometimes wonder if I'm actually a Christian, or if am I just a poser. I know, logically that I am a Christian. However, emotionally, I often feel like I'm missing something, and I'll end up in what CS Lewis calls "The Grey Town" in the very end.

I haven't really had any spiritual encounters with the Lord yet. God hasn't really spoken to me or through me, as far as I can tell. I haven't felt His presence or really had a prayer answered (that I know of, anyway). I haven't noticed any "spiritual signs" as many call them, or any real experiences with God. Sometimes, I think about all of the stories I've heard of people experiencing a miraculous event, running into a stranger they'd later call an angel, or feeling the overwhelming presence of God. Even I've experienced miracles in the past, which is why I haven't had open heart surgery since I was a toddler despite the severity of my Pulmonary Atresia. But, for me now, God seems to be entirely silent, even though I've been desperately praying day and night.

Life continues to be way harder than I think it should be, and it seems like there's no end to my issues in sight. I've said many, many, many heated prayers this past year, despite knowing that no matter what I say, my life probably won't change anytime soon. After all, unlike millions of "Christians", I don't worship a spiritual vending machine. I don't worship a God who will stick a giant pair of eagle wings on my back if I decided it was a good idea to jump off the Tacoma Narrows bridge. I don't worship a God who will get sick of my whining and finally make me 100% normal, like I've been begging Him to do ever since I can remember. I don't worship a God who makes rocks and thorns soft as flower petals when I inevitably slip and fall when my adventurous spirit gets the best of me. I don't worship a God who just does everything "the easy way". I don't worship an overprotective sky daddy who will never let anything harm us so long as we do everything exactly right.

I worship a God who probably has very good reasons for making me go through hell my whole life. I worship a God who has given me the freedom to choose between doing good and bad, being smart and being a total dumbass, so on an so fourth. I worship a God who created literally everything existence with just the words from His mouth (which somehow took millions and billions of years of our time), who lives outside of space and time, who is infinite and everything. I worship a God who knows exactly when and how to get my attention, and knows when to just sit back and let me try (and usually fail) to figure things out on my own. So, maybe I shouldn't question the validity of my faith just because I haven't experienced the presence of God in awhile, or I'll probably screw up on the first question of Bible Trivia. Maybe, I'm still just very young and fragile in the faith (and in life in general), and I just need to grow up a little more in the faith before God reveals more to me.