There is another side to these blessings, however. I constantly struggle with severe, gnawing feelings of guilt, inadequacy, angst, and fear. I feel incredibly undeserving of such an epic second chance at life. I often think about all the people who would’ve killed for Trikafta or something similar, who passed away before being rejuvenated. And, I feel especially unprepared for my near future. I spent my whole childhood anticipating an early death that never came, and now I’m having to face the terrifying reality of adulthood. Most people tell me I shouldn’t be nearly as afraid of the future as I am, since it’s much brighter than I think it is, and I have plenty of time to adjust to this new reality. But, I guarantee those same people would lose their shit if they got on a medication that made them into superhuman athletes and added another 150 years to their lifespan. That’s basically what happened to me, so I have every right to be petrified of what’s to come, even if my future's so bright. 

I’ve also been quite bitter and resentful lately, especially towards God, and that further adds onto the survivor's guilt I struggle with daily. Don’t get me wrong. I’m ecstatic to be on Trikafta, and I know God’s definitely been working overtime behind the scenes to keep me alive. But, I often find myself wishing I could’ve gotten Trikafta way sooner, or not have been born with CF at all, and then getting pissed off at the horrific reality of my past, which I’ve yet to process. To the outsider, that may just seem like I’m crying over spilled milk, and I should just let the past go and get on with the future. But, that’s just because the outsider doesn’t get it. 

I don’t really know how to explain this anger and bitterness to someone who doesn’t get it. I guess I just feel betrayed. By what or who, I can’t really put a finger on it. But, I figured I could turn to God for answers, and also as Someone to vent to. After all, He is the omniscient, omnipresent, all-loving Creator of all things, and unlike the vast, vast, vast majority of people on this planet, He just might understand where I’m coming from, and know how to help me. 

So far, I haven’t gotten many answers from the Lord. However, I have had a few vivid dreams that have dealt with some of the things I have and been wrestling with in my prayers. As someone who rarely dreams, let alone vividly, let alone about things I’m actually struggling with, I’ve made sure to document these dreams so I can remember them and hopefully understand the message(s) they were trying to convey. After all, there are countless biblical examples of God conveying vital messages to people via dreams and visions. There’s no reason to think He’s stopped communicating with us with dreams, just like there’s no reason to think He’s stopped performing miracles or working through people to make the impossible happen. 

Despite my bitterness towards my past and the Lord, I’m wholeheartedly convinced God had worked through the best doctors and scientists in the world to make Trikafta happen. The more I reflect on it, the more evidence for Divine Intervention I see. As most people know, I'm very skeptical. I have a hard time believing in things I cannot verify with certainty. Apparently, God's well aware of my skeptical nature, and has basically scribbled His name over everything in my past, especially Trikafta.

It’s well known that Dr. Francis Collins, one of the scientists who directed the creation of Trikafta and many other treatments through decades of research specifically surrounding Cystic Fibrosis, is a devout, outspoken Christian. Also, until the last decade or so, the idea of curing or getting close to curing CF seemed to be an impossible feat to most people, including most of us with CF (something, something, Philippians 4:13).

 Not to mention where I was in life in the weeks leading up to the FDA’s surprise announcement. The day I sat in my car, freezing half to death, cursing God out for allowing CF to ravage my body, was the same day the FDA announced that they were approving Trikafta several months earlier than expected and would begin to roll it out to the CF community. While it would be a few months before it was my turn to get my paws on my first box of Trikafta, the very prospect of getting Trikafta was enough to get me to chill out a little bit. Knowing this, it's just slightly difficult not to see God in all of that. 

Now, I’ve been on the medication for almost a year, and like I said, lots of things have changed for me physically, mentally, and spiritually. However, some things haven’t changed because part of me is still stuck in the past, and I haven’t yet found the courage or the will to begin processing my past in therapy. Perhaps, one day when we aren’t living through a global pandemic and I’m not moving around so much, I’ll finally be able to sit down and let myself feel what I felt back when I was the Usain Bolt of dying. But, until then, I’m afraid I’ll just be stuck wrestling with the thoughts, fears, and questions people who know they are dying wrestle with, even though I’m no longer sick or expected to die in my thirties or forties. 

I’ll also continue to struggle with the Lord, much like every Christian and biblical figure has. I wish I could just quit acting like a stubborn mule and just accept the truth of the gospel and do whatever God wants me to do, but that’s not how faith works. It will be awhile before I’m anywhere near like those who have accepted their place in God’s kingdom and are now serving the Lord as He wants them to. I’m still very, very young in the faith, and I still have lots of things to learn and settle with God before I accept my role as one of His servants. Because of this, I’m glad God is the embodiment of patience, mercy, gentleness, and above all else, love. Otherwise, I’d certainly be damned. 

I still don't understand why God has been, and continues to be, so patient with me. Or why He allowed so much suffering and strife in my life compared to most people my age. All I know is that, at the moment, I don't know shit, and I'm deeply scarred by the hell I've been through so far. But, I'm sure this is just a phase I'm going through. After all, I've been grieving heavily since starting Trikafta. I'm just so distraught over the fact that CF more or less stole my childhood, and only now am I able to experience life much like how people without CF do. Sure, I had my good times as a kid, but those good times were always tainted by misery. Only now, after nearly nineteen years, am I truly healthy and free.

So, why am I so upset if I'm healthy now? To be honest, that question isn't easily answered, especially since I don't entirely know why I'm struggling emotionally so much. However, I'm sure there're a bunch of reasons for it.

I know a good percentage of people on Trikafta have reported developing mental health issues like depression and/or anxiety, or their mental health issues getting worse. Perhaps, Trikafta messes with physical things that impact the brain, and it probably messes with hormones too. Since I'm still a young, growing adult with partially genetic anxiety and depression (as well as autism, which makes those issues worse. Turns out, my mom is also autistic and I suspect my dad's on the spectrum too, and both of my parents have depression and anxiety), I know I've been afflicted with anxiety/depression partially caused by physical issues (especially since medication took away my crippling anxiety attacks and made it easier for me to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning). I wouldn't be surprised if Trikafta has further messed with my anxiety/depression, like it has done for so many others who are on Trikafta. 

I'm also grieving my childhood. I'm healthier than I've ever been before by far. I felt far worse when I was a little girl than I do now as a young adult. I remember spending many miserable days at the hospital undergoing painful tests, hearing scary things from the doctors that I understood just enough to know things weren't okay, seeing my parents cringe, fight back tears, or just break down crying as they watched me suffer, and so much more. I remember being so deeply afraid all of the time, and constantly feeling like death was imminent. I remember what it felt like to be forsaken by God, and leaving the childish faith I had instilled into me by adults who had absolutely no idea what I was going through. That list doesn't even scratch the surface of all the horrible shit I've been through. So, of course, I'm upset, and I have so much to grieve and to process. 

That grief has also caused me to once again get angry with God, since I don't yet understand or have even accepted why things are the way they are. Many people (especially older, conservative Christians) don't think it's right or okay to rage at God. I'd encourage those people to read about Moses and the Israelites, Job, Elijah, David, even Christ. Yes, even Christ got deeply upset at the Father (Matthew 27:46). Clearly, God understands and can handle our grief and rage. He's omniscient, after all. It's not like we can hide anything from Him. So, why not be honest with Him? I know I feel way more comfortable talking to God even when I'm deeply upset with Him, than not praying at all simply because my prayer might come out angry or mean.

At least I'm talking to God and putting my trust in Him, even though I might have an entire graveyard to pick with Him. But, that's okay. God can handle it. I'm certain He's just glad to listen to my angry rants, since it means I'm attempting to get His attention and have a meaningful relationship with Him. I could very easily quit trying to reconcile my life with my faith, and for a time I did just that. Instead, I've turned back to God and am actively working on my relationship with Him. 

Also, I can tell I've been unintentionally pushing people away since I started this medication. I don't want to be bothered when I'm stressed out or upset. Yet, plenty of people in my life don't understand that since those people are drawn to people when they're stressed out. I've certainly been short with people more often than usual and much more irritable. Again, this could be for a plethora of reasons. However, I must (and am) working on nipping my short temper in the bud since my short temper doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. I'm not angry at anyone, as far as I know. I don't blame my parents for bringing me into this world with the issues I have. But, I'm still just angry and upset about what I've been through thus far, which in turn has unfortunately been slowly molding me into someone I don't want to be. 

Believe it or not, as much as I cherish and rely on my alone time, I don't want to become a complete recluse with zero tolerance for human interaction. If anything, I'd rather become the complete opposite of that, although that's not exactly realistic. So, I've been working on finding a healthy balance between being around others and enjoying my own company, while also working on finding healthy ways of coping with my stress, anxiety, and anger issues. So far, besides avoiding people like the plague when I'm pissed for whatever reason, I've found that art, writing, music, video games, and of course, ranting at God, certainly helps tame down my temper before I snap at the next person I encounter. That, and also talking to those closest to me about my temper when I'm not upset has helped them understand, at least partially, what's wrong, and that my problems have nothing to do with them. 

I certainly look forward to the day I finally find peace with my past, and more importantly with God, and am no longer so bitter and angry. But, it will likely take years to get to that point. It might even take a lifetime. 

Again, I know most people have no idea how to relate to what I've been going through, and that's okay. Most people haven't had the chance to get on a pill that adds another century to their lifespans and gives them superhuman abilities. And, many people (in the western world) haven't gone through half of the shit I have. So, of course lots of people might still think I'm just being an ungrateful bastard by being resentful rather than focusing on the blessings. Indeed, I'm blessed, and I certainly feel tremendous joy in my heart knowing that I won't be dead in twenty years (as well as lots of fear, because like most people, I'm absolutely terrified of the future). But, I have a lot to deal with before I can "just be happy". 

Trust me, I wish I could "just be happy". It's not fun to be full of angst and resentment. It's not fun to go through changes like I have been going through. If I had a choice, I'd be joyful and settled, comfortable and confident right this second. But, that's impossible. Certainly, I can (and am) working on becoming content and calm. But, it might be years before I come anywhere close to that goal. In the meantime, I'm just a mess. But, that's to be expected given everything I've gone through and am currently dealing with.