Also, on a completely different note, I did finish reading 1 Kings. Throughout all of 1 Kings, God didn’t lecture Elijah, miraculously cure him of his problems, or anything like that. After God made sure Elijah was well rested and fed, He commanded Elijah to walk for forty days and nights to a cave. I bet those forty days and nights were just as miserable for Elijah as the two days he spent sleeping under a tree.
The bible doesn’t delve into what Elijah’s journey was like, but drawing from my own, current experiences, Elijah was still suffering greatly, which means he was not having a good time during those forty days spent walking through the wilderness. And, even when he finally arrived at the cave, Elijah was still anxious, depressed, and angry at God. None of the miraculous events God did for Elijah, in the past or present, made him feel any better. Elijah just continued to complain, and it took a long time for him to feel any better, and even longer for God to convince him to actually go do something. Even then, God wasn’t rude or pushy about it. He didn’t ask Elijah to do anything until He knew Elijah was ready. As soon as Elijah was ready, God commanded him to go find Elisha, which gave Elijah something to do that kept his depression and anxiety at bay.
I feel a little better knowing that, while it’s going to take a long time for me to start feeling myself again, I will eventually feel better again. And, nothing I do now will cause God to even get upset at me. He gets it. Unlike so many people in my life, who I’ve been ignoring lately for good reasons, God understands exactly what I’m going through. Interestingly, as much as I’m hurting at the moment, and as alone as I feel, I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to God as I currently do. For the first time in my life, my suffering has not pushed me further from God, but has rather drawn me closer to Him.
Still, the knowledge that what I’m going through is biblical, and God is right here with me, does not diminish my anxiety or depression even slightly. I wish it would, but as the story of Elijah shows, not even a slew of miracles or direct communication with God would make me feel any better in the long run. Sure, it might give me a quick emotional high, in the same way a go-kart race, a trip to the skeet shooting range, or parking my truck on a tall snowbank, gives me an emotional boost for a few minutes. But, those rare, short times where I feel completely separated from my mental health issues don’t last for long, and they certainly won't help me in the long run.
