If there’s one thing I’ve learned thus far, it’s that there are pros and cons to literally everything. I know, I know. I’m pointing out the obvious. However, I’ve noticed that we all often live as though the world is mostly black and white. 

Of course, in some cases this is true. There’s no real pro to jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. There’s no real con to showing respect towards those who respect you. But, besides cases like these, the world is mostly a vast spectrum of pros and cons. Every decision we make has consequences, often both good and bad. Every action we take leaves a permanent mark in some form or another. Every hand we’re dealt in life has its advantages and disadvantages, no matter how privileged or disadvantaged it is. 

However, just because there are pros and cons to everything, doesn’t mean everything is equally pro and con. As far as I know, there’s almost nothing that has an equal amount of pros and cons. Everything either has more pros than cons and vise versa. 

Why am I talking about this? Well, because I’ve been doing a hell of a lot of thinking and reflecting for months now, and making many major decisions based on their pros and cons, more so than usual. This past year, as we all know, has been a complete clusterfuck. I’m very glad that many of us can finally purchase those “I survived a pandemic!” T-shirts and wear them with pride. But, to be honest, that’s all that I’m really thankful for at the moment.

The rest of my feelings are mainly of resentment and betrayal. Sure, it’s great that I and many of my loved ones are now immune to a virus that has wreaked havoc on this world, but that’s honestly all I can really be thankful for at the moment, besides the cliche “I’m thankful for my family” stuff. Emotionally, I’m a total wreck. And I’m pretty sure I’m a total wreck physically in some ways too. In fact, I know I am. Hence is why I’m trying out new medications to try to close off some of the salt chambers in my brain that my life-saving medication kicked open. Again, it goes back to pros and cons.

The pros of Trikafta are: 

I’m no longer expected to die a horrible death in my forties. 

I can eat normal food without annihilating my insides. 

I can gain and keep weight a lot easier (although, thanks to my anxiety issues, eating is hard and I’ve lost a few pounds).

I’m not nearly as susceptible to major respiratory infections as I once was. 

My body is a lot less inflamed than it used to be. 

I have a sense of smell. 

My energy levels are through the roof.

My tolerance for exercise has increased dramatically, allowing me to become a lot stronger and more athletic than ever before.

I have the ability to pursue activities and careers that were once completely impossible for me to pursue.

I can swim in fresh, still water without fear of getting a nasty infection from it. 

Crazy weather changes no longer keep me in bed. 

I may be able to meet and hang out with other CFers without fear of exchanging infections with them.

The cons of Trikafta are: 

My anxiety is a hundred times worse than it used to be. 

I struggle to sleep most nights, and rarely get more than six hours a night. 

My appetite is even worse than it used to be. I rarely eat more than one meal and a couple snacks per day. If I try to eat more, I’ll get super nauseous and suffer from severe indigestion. 

I still feel utterly unprepared to live for another sixty years or so, as I grew up preparing for an early death, so now I have to somehow prepare myself to live a much longer life than I expected. 

I’m perpetually in an existential crisis. 

It seems to be messing with my vision, though I can’t be certain because both sides of my family either needed glasses or lasik by the time they reached their teens. Regardless, my vision has deteriorated quite a lot since starting Trikafta.

My liver is in constant stress and I need to go in for blood tests every two to three months to make sure it's okay (so far, so good). 

Most people expect me to be nothing but grateful for this second chance at life, and act as though I’m tying a noose as we speak when I admit that I’m still not sure whether to be grateful for Trikafta or not. 

I’m lonely as fuck, as very, very, very few people can relate to what I’ve experienced. 

There’s still a scary amount of uncertainty regarding Trikafta, and if I think about all the “what-ifs” for too long, I’ll freak out. I mean, what if it gives me cancer or I just randomly fall over dead in a decade? What if, what if, what if???

There are many more pros and cons to Trikafta, but I can’t exactly remember them at the top of my head. See why it wasn’t just a “no brainer” decision to get on that medication? See why I still feel so unsettled about it? 

There are also pros and cons to other things, such as (I hate to say it) the pandemic. The pandemic’s cons definitely far outweigh its pros. But, we cannot ignore the pandemic’s possible (and probable) pros. I, for one, really hope that mask wearing becomes normalized in the US, though I definitely don’t want it to be mandatory after the pandemic ends. Also, the pandemic spurred scientists to finish a brand new vaccine technology in record time, that is a hell of a lot more effective and less expensive than vaccines that use a weakened or dead strain of a virus. I really hope that all vaccines become M-RNA vaccines in the near future. We're much more mindful about washing our hands frequently and not touching our faces with germ-riddled paws. I’m sure we’ll be at least a slightly healthier society after this bullshit blows over, and if (God forbid) another pandemic rears its ugly head, we’ll be so much more prepared. But, we can only hope. 

Of course, as I said, the pandemic’s cons far outweigh its pros, however. 500,000 Americans are dead, many more are maimed, and the pandemic is still raging in the States. Mental health issues and suicides have skyrocketed. Our hospitals remain severely overwhelmed. The economy has gone to total shit. We’re still isolated from our friends and family. People are still stuck and suffering at home. Most places are still shut down. Therapists and psychiatrists are in severely short supply. Nature is suffering due to a dramatic increase in outdoor adventurers (at least in the States). Violent crimes (and crime in general) has increased. And, I’ve played almost 2,000 hours of World of Warcraft since March 2020, which isn’t exactly healthy (gotta admit though, like all things, there are pros to this. My main characters are at the top of the charts when it comes to gear and completed quests). 

Hell, there are even pros and cons to receiving the pandemic-ending vaccines! However, I know that the pros of getting the vaccines far outweigh the cons. Sure, most people feel like a wet possum for a day or two after getting both doses, but that’s way better than, oh ya know, fucking suffocating to death in an overcrowded hospital without any of your loved ones by your side as you go. 

Maybe there are even pros and cons to anti-maskers (though the cons far outweigh the pros). Sure, it’s fun to watch a Karen go apeshit when they’re told to put a piece of cloth over their nasty airways, but those people are a big reason why 500,000 Americans are dead, and their vote counts just as much as yours. Do with that what you will. 

But, I better back off this before I throw my laptop out my bedroom window. Nothing gets me more riled up than the anti-science crowd. Don't even get me started about young earth creationism. 

I’m not sure how to end this. I’m in yet another writer’s block rut, and I’m going crazy from being isolated at home for far too long. I guess there are pros here. At least, I lived and I got both doses of the Mark of the Beast, so I can at least go out and start seeing people without fear of dying in the hospital. And, writer’s block tends to motivate me to leave the house instead of spending my days doing chores and playing World of Warcraft all day. Hopefully, next week I’ll be back to writing as usual, and maybe I’ll even tackle my memoir again.

With that, I'll leave y'all with a picture of a seagull that had the audacity to shit on my truck while making direct eye contact with me on the beach in Ocean Shores, Washington. He knew damn well what he was doing.