It’s been another tough week. No, nobody I know has tested positive. thank God. CJ, while she still likely has covid-19, is no longer contagious and is healthy. I saw her a few times this week. She’s happy and healthy as can be! But, the way things are going around me are signs of a grim future, and I’m scared. Very scared. 

Utah continues to break daily covid-19 case records, despite testing slowing down in some places. Almost 30% of the tests given have come back positive all this week. Yet, people in Utah don’t seem to care. Driving around, I’ve gotten stuck in rush-hour traffic jams, seen restaurants full of people eating, laughing, talking, and walking around as if everything’s back to normal. Trailheads, parks, and swimming pools are more crowded than I’ve ever seen such things before, including in big touristy spots like Estes Park and Glenwood Hot Springs, which have historically attracted tons and tons of summer visitors. It’s crazy and terrifying how small, relatively unknown trails and parks in Utah look more like massive tourist traps, especially in the middle of a worsening pandemic. 

At least half of Utah’s residents are fervently against wearing masks. Technically it’s illegal to go out without a mask in the Salt Lake metro area, but since so few people follow the rules, it’s practically impossible to enforce. Hell, there are a few pro disea- I mean, pro “freedom” groups organizing maskless flashmobs to invade various stores and parks around the city, in an attempt to protest the unenforceable mask laws around here. “The government can’t punish all of us!” they proudly chant as they march in maskless masses, infecting each other and everyone else around who’s unfortunate enough to breathe the same air as them.

At least half of Utahns genuinely believe masks are bad for your physical health, or it’s government overreach, or something else equally moronic. Their faces are plastered all over the news and are visible from the safety of my Xterra. I wish I could say I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. Most people ain’t wearing masks around here, and the state government refuses to mandate anything because they were elected by people just as dumb and selfish as themselves. Even as cases rise, hospitals begin to fill up, and people die, a big chunk of Utah is more concerned about “gOvErnMeNt OvErEaCh” than the fact that hundreds of people in Utah are dying and thousands more are testing positive. 

This doesn’t even mention what this pandemic has been doing to the economy and our mental health. Mentally speaking, I just had to go numb. Current events are too much for me to emotionally deal with. I’ll deal with my emotions in therapy when this pandemic’s all over with. 

I’m aware of what’s going on around me. I begrudgingly read up on the news for no more than ten minutes per day. But, I’m not obsessed with it. Emotionally, I’m barely phased by it. If I am, I’ll laugh instead of cry until I can retreat to my bedroom or the bathroom. There’s nothing I can do to impact anything going on. I can protect myself and urge those around me to do the same. I can make fun of the situation so I can survive it. I can burst into tears in private (or, in the truck with my mom, since she knows how to deal with me). But, beyond that, I’m powerless.

That feeling of helplessness has haunted me since this pandemic began. It’s an awful, gnawing feeling. At first, it was fairly easy for me to ignore. But, now that I’m in Utah watching the cases shoot up, seeing more and more people claiming Covid’s a government hoax and masks deprive us of oxygen, and watching as conservative “Christians” make the rest of us look absolutely insane with their stupid rhetoric about masks and vaccines (watch the maskless idiots at the Palm Beach town hall meeting, when Palm Beach county decided to mandate masks), that feeling consumes me the second I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. 

I know there are very feasible solutions to our current issues. If everyone wore masks, there’d be a 60% reduction in covid-19 cases, even if people continued to go shopping and hiking in large crowds. If everyone washed their hands with hand sanitizer and wiped down their keys, phones, and other frequently touched objects with bleach wipes daily, the cases would be reduced even more! If everyone strictly quarantined for a month, we would be able to contain the virus and reopen the economy almost completely and without mandatory masks, like many people have been demanding we do, avoiding a massive recession like what is currently in store for us in the fall (according to the investors my mom works with). 

But, almost half of the country doesn’t want a feasible solution, because it would require them to have a little more empathy for others. Apparently, “empathy”, “compromise”, and “consideration” are not American values (even though they really should be). So, we’re just stuck with current events. There’s nothing we can do to stop cases from rising. We can only do everything we can to protect ourselves. But as CJ’s case proved, no matter what, you aren’t totally safe from covid-19. 

I don’t know what to expect moving forward. Again, there’s nothing more I can do to protect myself and others. I’m staying as safe and healthy as possible. As depressed as I am over everything, I’m taking care of my needs the best way I know how during these increasingly difficult times. I know I’ll survive this. Even if I (God forbid) do get covid-19, I’ll probably be just fine. But, I can’t help but constantly worry about my loved ones who aren’t as healthy as I am. What if they get sick? What if they end up in the hospital? What if they…Well...I’d rather not go there. 

At this point, prayer and faith are the only things that give me much peace. Sure, immersing myself in video games, music, and the great outdoors takes my mind off current events for awhile. But, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I couldn’t talk to God before crawling under the covers. As someone who is still very young in the faith, I’m not entirely sure how prayer works. Whether prayer does influence God’s actions, or prayer only helps us get closer to God but does not influence fate, it doesn’t really matter. I just need something to cling to that could never be taken from me. And, that’s my faith in the Lord. 

Everything else, as covid-19 continues to prove time and time again, is uncertain and temporary. The only thing I can count on is my faith, because nothing can separate me from God’s love, as Romans 8:38-39 states, and God does not change, as Hebrews 13:8 says.

When I asked God earlier this year to teach me how to trust Him even in the scariest times, I did not mean to ask for a deadly pandemic, an economic recession, my college plans to go out the window, or anything like that. But, I guess that’s how God works. At this point in my life, I’ve accepted that’s just how God works. He doesn’t spare us from suffering. He walks through hell with us.