Many people have probably noticed (if they followed me on social media), that I’m no longer there. I haven’t posted any memes, liked anyone’s posts, or commented anything. My social media accounts are invisible. I’m just completely wiped off the face of the internet. Why? Well, a few weeks ago, I decided I’d had enough of social media, as well as the news. It stressed me out way too much, to the point my anxiety was unbearable. 

I’m already an anxious wreck because I won an unfortunate genetic lottery. Both sides of my family have nasty anxiety issues, that medication could barely help despite it being a biological issue. Then, of course, there’s a pandemic going on, and my doctors are conflicted on whether or not I’m at increased risk. At first, they said I needed to hunker down like the world was ending, then they said I’d probably be okay, then they went back to hunker down like the world is ending, and now they’re somewhere in the middle. While, chances are, I’ll be fine if I get covid-19, I don’t want to test it. I’m gonna do everything I can to stay safe and healthy, even after a vaccine is released to the public. 

Also, in my personal life, things have been rough. My house was falling apart a week before we were set to go to Utah for a long time. My mom and grandma were rearranging the living room when they discovered a massive mold problem hidden behind the couch. Water was seeping up from under the hardwood floors too. Turns out, a pipe had been crushed under the foundation and within the wall separating the laundry room and my bathroom (of course this issue was in my part of the house), and the living room. It had been leaking for over a year. There was a faint smell of mildew in that part of the house, but we assumed it was the washer and dryer. When we replaced those, and the smell persisted, we were at a loss, until my mom and grandma discovered the most terrifying thing ever hidden behind the couch. 

That same day, nearly every electrical thing in the house failed during one of the hottest days of the year so far. The thermostat went out, the fridge and freezer went out, and a number of power outlets went out. Most of our food (including a lot of our Nebraska beef) went bad. And, to top it all off, a handful of wasps decided to build a nest right next to the front door, and refused to leave even though my mom sprayed them with wasp poison everyday for a week and tried to remove their scent by rubbing their nesting site with soap and bleach. 

There were a lot of other things going on in my life, on top of all that, but I won’t get into it. Bottom line: I was so stressed out over everything going on that I couldn’t eat or sleep for a week. My veins were on fire because of how much cortisol was surging through them, and my resting heart rate was between 120-140 beats per minute. I was too nauseous to eat, too wound up to sleep, and too distracted to drive. The last thing I needed was to be reminded by social media and the news how bad things were outside of my chaotic little life, which is why I decided to disconnect from social media and the news. 

I can’t say I feel much better after I deleted everything. It wasn’t an instant relief. But, I’d probably be a lot worse off right now if I decided to continue following everything going on online. At least, things have calmed down in my personal life. 

Our house has been fixed and is currently being rented out as an Airbnb to pay for our Utah Airbnb as well as my little brother’s online school (my mom refuses to play the school district’s dumb games during a pandemic, and will not be sending him to school). I have my appetite back and have managed to get a few nights of deep sleep. After nearly three weeks of being dangerously fast, my heart rate has finally slowed down to its normal pace. And, I’m staying in my own Airbnb in western Utah, pretty far away from the city, surrounded by nature. I still don’t feel completely better, but at least I’m healing. 

When I do feel completely better again, will I reconnect to social media and the news? Probably not. I don’t want to freak myself out with overhyped news articles about every bad thing happening everywhere, nor do I want to read my friends’ and relatives’ shitty political and religious opinions online. Reading my distant relatives’ wacky fundamentalist Christian rants before covid-19 and today’s protests were stressful enough. I don’t even want to imagine what they’re posting now! 

I need to continue to focus on my own health and wellbeing. Right now, in the midsts of a pandemic, is not the time to stress myself out more than I already am (thanks to my health issues and the anxiety-riddled genes my parents passed down to me). Mental health is just as important and impactful on our bodies as our physical health. I’m living proof of that. Throughout my life, a decline in my mental health almost always preceded a major decline in my physical health. Then, my mental health only got worse as my physical health got worse. It was just a vicious cycle. 

The last thing I need right now is a physically wrecked body, especially since the threat of covid-19 is so high. If I get covid while I’m as healthy as possible, it probably won’t be worse than a bad cold. But, if I get covid while I’m super stressed and anxious over shit I cannot change or control (such as current events or whatever dumb rants my distant relatives post next), I might end up dead. 

I’m only nineteen years old. To me, that sounds old, since I grew up being told I’d be dead by forty, and it’ll be a long time before I truly believe I won’t be dead by forty. But, logically, I know that I’m very young and healthy, and have a long life ahead of me. I want to live decades past the age of forty. To do that, I’ve gotta remain as physically and mentally healthy as possible. And, to do that, I think I’ve gotta stay the hell away from the dumpster fires that are social media and the news.