Well, it’s official: I’m now a student at University of Colorado: Denver.

My first class, Spanish 101, officially begins at 9:30 AM on Tuesday, January 21st. It’s one of three of my last general education courses to get through before science consumes my entire academic schedule till I graduate. 

I spent all this morning meticulously going through the syllabi for my classes in an attempt to calm my anxious mind. Because, surprising to no one, I’m shitting bricks and counting down the hours till my first class begins tomorrow morning. 

One would think that I’d be used to going to college by now. I started taking classes at community college in 2021, and I’ve done just fine academically. Why then, am I so damn scared of going to university? What about it makes me so worried? Why am I the way that I am?

These are questions I’ve been wrestling with constantly since before I started my first class at Arapahoe Community College. Friends, family, and other trustworthy people have told me that I’m “more than ready for university”, and I just need to “chill the hell out”. Logically, I believe them, too. Emotionally, mentally, and perhaps even a little bit logically, however, I’m not so sure that I’m ready for university. 

I certainly don’t feel ready for university. Sure, the facts say otherwise: I have all of my notebooks, pens, and folders packed up and ready to go. My dad’s paid for my parking pass and I will visit the campus bookstore tomorrow to pick up my textbooks. I’ve attended all three in-person orientation sessions, and spent the past three weeks practicing driving to-and-from downtown Denver to prove to myself that I can, in fact, safely drive in the heart of the city at all hours of the day. I’ve staked out a handful of potential “study spots” in and around campus to… well… study and get my work done, as I hope to create a barrier between my school life and home life. 

Long story short, I’m about as prepared for CU Denver as anyone could be. And yet… I’m insecure as fuck about it!

So… why is that? Why am I the way that I am? Why am I so panicky about university? 

In the past, I’ve written extensively about finding a sense of belonging at college despite being the absolute oddball that I am. I’ve more-or-less accepted the fact that I’ll never be normal, and that’s perfectly okay. But, that’s evidently not the reason why I’m so worried about university. 

Perhaps, it’s the financial side of university that has me freaked out. I’m pretty stingy, after all. But, my tuition is ridiculously cheap this semester. When everything’s paid for, my dad will have spent no more than $6,000; that includes parking, books, tuition, and even a few on-campus meals. By the time I graduate with my bachelor’s, my education will have cost less than $20,000, and that’s actually pretty liberal estimate.

Sure, $20,000 seems like a ton of money for me. But, when compared to what it could be, that’s dirt fucking cheap for a bachelor’s degree from an R1 university in the heart of downtown Denver. And, my dad’s more than willing to spend that kind of money on my education, especially since I’ll be “...putting the Nibbe name on the map for once!”, as he proudly proclaimed at Sawa Sushi last night. 

Honestly, I don’t believe that by going to university I’m somehow “putting the Nibbe name on the map for once”. My family runs a pretty robust farming and grain hauling business back in Minnesota. Doing such a thing is no easy task, especially in this economy. 

But, I also understand what my dad’s getting at: I’ll be the most college-educated person in the family by the time I get my bachelor’s.