Last week, I survived my sixth semester at college.

Well… I actually did more than merely survived. I passed two classes with A’s, and got a B in Digital Photography because I apparently wasn’t pretentious enough to get an A (oh well… I still learned a lot that I can now carry into my own little photography hobby/career/whatever). And, I’m already getting bored five days into a six week break from college.

My health, over the course of the semester, has also gotten quite a bit better. I’m back to effortlessly eating three meals per day, which means I’m gaining (and maintaining) weight. I’m finally sleeping eight hours a night (most nights), which means I’m waking up feeling relatively refreshed and ready to get on with the day. Also, because I’m sleeping and eating, I’ve had even more energy to do stuff, such as learning pre-calculus via Khan Academy in preparation for taking on pre-calc in the spring. 

Overall, I’ve done amazingly well this semester, and am actively working to carry on like this into the next semester. Because, next semester, I’m gonna take on some particularly challenging subjects (pre-calc being just one of them). 

Through therapy, journaling, and challenging myself, I’ve done a lot of healing. Particularly, when it comes to academics. Growing up, I was bullied severely, by peers and teachers alike, for things outside of my control. I was sick all the time, which meant I struggled to keep up academically. In order to keep up academically, I had to develop my own ways of learning which frustrated a lot of “my way or the highway” teachers, particularly when it came to more analytical subjects. 

But, I’ve since had a lot of “ah-ha!” moments as a college student. From discovering how K-12 teachers actually are as fellow college students, to finding out that I am, in fact, really good at a lot of things I struggled with in K-12, my confidence in myself and hope for my future have only increased since my first semester at ACC. And, I’m cautiously excited for what lies ahead, already champing at the bit to get back to studying in the Spring of 2024. 

Clearly, I’ve changed a lot as a college student. 

Ok, I’m still the same in many ways, too. I still stick out worse than a sore thumb in college; I’m not exactly a normal person in any way, shape or form. But, that’s not just okay. It’s a good thing that I’m a bit of an oddball; that I don’t look or act like everyone else. I just have to embrace and love who I am, rather than try to hide or run away from it. 

That, of course, leads to the question, “Well, who am I?”, which is a question I think every twenty-something wrestles with constantly. 

Spiritually and emotionally, I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am. Academically and career-wise, on the other hand, I’m still entirely unsure of who I am, or what I’m capable of. I just know that, so far, I haven’t run into any serious walls. And, that’s ultimately a good thing. The sky’s the limit. I just have to continue pushing myself into harder and harder classes, and not give into fear of failure or any of that sort.

After all, college is not K-12. I’m not gonna get bullied for struggling in math/science (and if I do, I have every right to complain to the Dean and hire a lawyer if need-be). If I fail a class, I can take it as many times as I need to until I succeed (or get the F expunged from my transcripts if I don’t). If I get into a major I don’t like, I can switch majors. If I get into a college I don’t like, I can even change colleges, or drop out entirely and pursue something else. 

As an adult, I have the freedom to choose that I did not have as a kid. As an adult, I have the health and strength to do as I wish that I did not have as a kid. And instead of being terrified of that freedom, I must embrace it. 

Ultimately, that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned in college, so far: that I need to be proud of who I am, instead of trying to force changes that, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t want to happen. 

For instance, superficially-speaking, I’m very particular about what I like and don’t like. I wear the clothes I wear because they’re what I’m most comfortable in. I eat the food that I eat because that’s what I feel most comfortable eating. I don’t drink or party because… well… again, drinking and partying just aren’t things I enjoy. To be a successful, healthy, happy adult, I don’t need to change those things (and sure, when push comes to shove, I can handle wearing business clothes for the occasional meeting or interview). 

However, there are plenty of changes that I do need to make in order to be the best person that I can be. For one, I need to break out of my K-12 mindset. I need to believe in my heart that I’m not a complete fucking idiot. I’m not a loser, or a failure, or behind in any real way. If anything, I’m ahead of where I should be. 

I also have to believe in my heart that I’m not gonna die from my health issues in T-minus ten or fifteen years; break old survival habits and establish new, healthy-body habits. I actually have a bright future ahead of me. Even if I didn’t, I should still look to the future with a “can do” mindset because miracles can (and do) happen.

But, right now, with my lung function through the roof and my weight steadily increasing, I’ve little to worry about health-wise. Which is still just wild to me. Every morning I wake up, I almost can’t believe that I’m up-and-at-em, feeling relatively good and excited to take on the day. And every night, I pray as a fall asleep. 

Of course, things aren’t all butterflies and unicorn farts. But, compared to the life I once lived; one where the threat of severe illness and death ever-presently stalked me like a starving mountain cougar, life today is awesome! I don’t envy my childhood self in any way, shape, or form. I haven’t an ounce of nostalgia for it. In fact, at times I’ll catch a certain smell, or I’ll drive through old neighborhoods I grew up in, or I’ll catch a glimpse of someone I went to school with, and I’ll instantly feel a sharp chill shoot up my spine. 

But, each time this happens, I remind myself aloud, “You are not a little girl anymore. You are an adult. You are okay…” until the fear diminishes. 

Thank God I’m now an adult. Thank God I’ve been able to take the steps needed to heal from my past and move on into the present. Now, all I need to do to, in a way, defeat my past pain once and for all, is face my childhood fears. 

Academically, those fears are rooted in all-things math and science, because I struggled so heavily in math and science throughout most of K-12. But, over these past six semesters, I’ve healed tremendously. Looking back, I’m simply astounded by the progress I’ve made since the Fall of 2021. I made all that progress one little step at a time, and that’s how I’ll continue to make progress towards my future. 

One. Tiny. Step. At. A. Time.