Well… 2022 has certainly been a year, and there’s still a little over a month left of it.

I’m not sure whether it’s been a good year or not (it’s certainly been way better than 2020, but 2020 is a pretty low bar). I just know that it’s been a year. I am beyond exhausted, and I’m not in the holiday spirit whatsoever. If anything, I just get grumpier and grumpier with each passing year. 

I’ve gone from being a shy but curious fox in 2018, to a grumpy little naked mole rat by 2020, to the insufferably pessimistic bobcat that I am today. Year by year, my faith in humanity dwindles, and I grow less patient (my lack of patience is something I wrestle with daily). All while the scale of human depravity (and stupidity) only grows. 

The weekend before Thanksgiving, another psycho with a gun attacked the only LGBTQ+ safe space in Colorado Springs. At least, Club Q was a safe space until a well-known wackjob with a gun (who, on paper, was barred from having access to firearms, and should’ve been in prison for kidnapping and a bomb threat they made in 2021), decided to turn it into yet another massacre site for some of the world’s most marginalized groups. Thankfully, the attack was stopped within minutes by a combat veteran and a woman who used her high heels to literally kick the brains out of the hate-filled scumbag, but not before the shooter took the lives of five people, and wounded twenty-five others. 

I wish I had answers and solutions to the problems that led up to that day, and every other day that a mass shooting and/or hate crime occurs (which is literally every day, in multiple places across the country and the world, at all hours of the day and night). I wish I could say that I am shocked by what happened. I wish I could say something like this will never happen again. 

But I’m not at all shocked that there was yet another mass shooting in this country. I know, damn well, that this shit will keep happening over and over again. Actually, it just happened again in Virginia as I was writing this piece. Seven people dead. Many more hospitalized. After a disgruntled manager opened fire in a Walmart during one of the busiest shopping times of the year; the night before Thanksgiving. 

I’m never surprised by how easy it is for so many people to act on their hate and disdain towards others. Humanity, at its core, has its roots steeped in hate and tribalism. Humanity, at its core, is full of sin and disdain. 

In the wake of mass tragedies like these, some people ask, “Where is our humanity,”, and my answer to that is, “This is our humanity.” 

Hatred and violence seem to be inherent to humanity. Love and gentleness seemingly are not. 

It’s a harsh truth that I’ve unfortunately learned the hard way from a very young age. Because I was born with Cystic Fibrosis and Autism (the ASD went undiagnosed for nineteen years), the kids around me knew that I was different, and therefore, they didn’t accept me like they accepted everyone else. Due to my illness, they were afraid of me; afraid that they could catch what I had. They didn’t know that Cystic Fibrosis wasn’t (and isn’t) contagious. All that they knew was I was getting my ass handed to me by something that always made me sick, and in turn, they feared me. 

Some kids responded to that fear by running away from me. Others responded to that fear by running at me, like I was a challenge they had to conquer to prove to their friends that they were the brave ones. Meanwhile, I was just trying to survive and communicate to the people around me what I was experiencing. Unfortunately, until I became much older and had the words to properly explain what I was experiencing, I couldn’t get away from it. I couldn’t explain to my parents what it was that made me hate and fear school so much, or why I struggled to make friends with my peers, or why I preferred to spend my time alone than with others. 

So, I reacted by being constantly afraid of every little damn thing, and desperately trying to hide from it. From kindergarten till middle school, I did everything I could to avoid going outside for recess, because I was afraid of the chaos of recess. In middle school through high school, I looked for the quietest corners of the lunch room to eat in, hoping that I could disappear into the background like a ghost and not attract any attention. By then, I’d learned that any and all attention I got from my peers was overwhelmingly negative and draining. Therefore, I wanted nothing to do with them. 

It was better to be lonely and forgotten than to be targeted for bullying and hatred by peers who thought it was “ballsy” to get close to “the sick kid” and risk catching CF. 

Nowadays, I can’t say my attitude has changed much. I’m less lonely, but not necessarily because I have more friends today than I did when I was in middle or high school. I’ve just gotten much more comfortable with being alone and cynical, and doing things on my own. After all, I've learned from a very early age that people can't be trusted. That the few people who exist who can be trusted are few and far between, and it often takes months or years to truly get to know a person and figure out if they can be trusted or not. 

I avoid busy places, not just because they are noisy and physically hurt me to be in (though, that’s a huge reason why I hate loud, crowded places). But because, like many Americans, I’m pretty nervous about the possibility of getting trapped in another “random” act of violence and hate. And, that worry of being trapped in another "random" act of violence is only getting worse and closer to home. 

Just before Thanksgiving (and when I thought I was done with this piece), a cousin of mine was caught in the crossfire of a random shootout while delivering packages somewhere around Seattle, Washington. Thankfully, he's okay. But, he witnessed everything and was nearly shot himself. There were bullet holes in the side of his delivery truck, mere inches away from where he was when the shootout started. 

Then, on Black Friday, Dad and I decided to brave the crowds in search of Christmas gifts at Cabela's. I headed for the firearms section in hopes that there would be rounds for my .243 still left on the shelves. Well, unsurprisingly, pretty much the entire selection of bullets was picked clean, and the wait to talk to a clerk at the gun counter was an hour long. Of those in that Cabela's, at least one in ten customers were open-carrying, and I bet there were even more who were concealed carrying. And it seemed like everyone there was about as nervous as a squirrel in an open field. 

In short, that run to Cabela's wasn't nearly as fun or fruitful as I hoped it would be. I was really hoping I could finally purchase a pump-action shotgun for bird and buck hunting, as well as grab a few boxes of Winchester 90-grain .243 rounds for my rifle (for the last three years, I've saved up many gift cards, points, and, of course, cash for such a purchase). But, instead I arrived and found myself in the midst of a frenzy of gun-nuts and doomsday preppers, rushing about empty shelves once containing boxes of ammo that have quadrupled in value since 2020.

So, I bought a new pair of hiking boots and some Yaktrax instead, and got the fuck out of dodge before I felt too panicky. 

Black Friday or not, it seems like Cabela's is always a madhouse these days...

Frankly, people in general are fucking wild these days (wilder than usual), and have been that way for the last couple years or so. I can’t say why that is, aside from blame things such as “the pandemic”, “lack of proper law enforcement”, and “lack of mental health help”. It seems like every possible reason why people have been losing their shit so much in the last couple years, is impossible to deal with given the resources we currently have.

Actually, we do have the resources to fix the majority of the problems we see today. We have money, we have skills, we have extremely advanced technology, we have millions of acres of crops and pasture and open space for green energy in America alone. But we, as humans, are too greedy and selfish to use those resources to help the sick and poor. 

It's a well-known fact that it would take roughly $40 billion bucks per year to solve world hunger. It's also a well-known fact that Americans alone gamble away $43 billion bucks per year at casinos and horse races. I'm sure if you pull aside your average gambling American and remind them of this fact, they'd agree that gambling is much less important than food and shelter for the needy. But, within an hour or a day of having that conversation with you, the gambler will be right back to doing what they do best: throwing money at a slot machine for hours on end. 

This idea, of course, extends well beyond gambling. And each and every one of us is guilty of it. 

I admire those who still believe that things can be changed for the better. That humanity is mostly good and will unite to make the world a better place. That most people who exist today are good, honest, loving people. But, I don’t believe such things, as badly as I want to. 

Maybe I’m wrong for that. In fact, I hope that I’m wrong. But until I see and experience evidence that contradicts my belief that humans inherently suck, I will continue to believe it. 

So, for the time being, I plan on laying low as usual. I plan on keeping my head down and just doing what I’ve been doing. Right now, as a young college student who’s yet to break most of my old CF habits despite being on Trikafta for almost three years, I can’t do a damn thing about the surging violence in the world. I can’t participate in politics beyond voting once every two years and the occasional dive into the news. I can’t spend my days thinking about how and why everything is so fucked up still, despite the fact that I live in the richest, most powerful, prosperous, and modern nation the world has ever seen. 

All I can do is continue living as I’ve been living. Taking things day-by-day and as they come. Doing what I can to listen, learn, and grow, so that I can become the best version of myself that I can be. Working toward personal goals, learning how to let myself dream and set longer-term, more ambitious goals. Hoping and praying that things turn out okay, but always being prepared for the very worst to happen each day. 

Some like to tell me that my attitude and way of living is… well… no way to live. But, I’ve been living like this my entire life, and so far, I’m still living. Until I build up the strength and the security to start figuring out how to save the world, I’m just gonna keep on living like the pessimistic bobcat that I currently am. After all, I can’t do much of anything to save or change society or the world, as much as I wish I could. 

All I can do is control how I react to the world around me, how I treat other people around me, how I treat the nature and animals around me. Truth is, that’s all anyone can do. 

The only person you can control is yourself. The only environment you can change for the better is the environment you’re currently in. You can’t control what other people do. You can’t even control what happens in the environment you live in, let alone what goes on in the next closest city, state, country, etc. I can't control what ends up in my yard, especially because I live right across the street from a popular park. I can only control how I deal with the shit that ends up in my yard (or, what my dogs bring into the house from the yard). Same goes for how I react to what goes on in my neighborhood, or in the neighborhoods adjacent to mine, or at the store down the road, or at my brother's school, the list goes on. I hope I'm making sense (forgive me if I'm not, because it's getting close to 1 AM). 

I know that the world is in desperate need of change. I know, damn well, that something must be done to curb the violence and pain and suffering that happens each and every day, and seems to only be getting worse. But, what can be realistically done on a societal/cultural level, if anything? Honestly, I haven’t a damn fucking clue. 

All that I know is that it's more-or-less an "everyone for themselves" world out there (even "good" acts are often done out of selfishness), and there's really not a damn thing I can do to change it. I can only control how I personally react to the insanity of the world, while also attempting to make my little bit of the world just a little safer.

Personally, I make my little world a little safer by switching into 4X4 mode in the snow, locking my doors at night, going to both individual and family therapy, taking my medications, spending time exercising outside, staying home when I don't feel well, wearing an N95 on campus and at the grocery store, going to the grocery store later in the evening or during the middle of the day when fewer people are shopping, designating at least an hour a day to write, restricting how much news and social media I consume each day, eating at least one bowl of salad each day, listening to upbeat music and comedic podcasts during my downtime, the list goes on. 

Beyond that, there's nothing I can do at the moment. 

It is what it is. 

With all of that doom-and-gloom said, I will also say that there is hope.

Not exactly in humanity or the world (at least, from my perspective), but in individual people who choose to make do with what they have, and strive to be kind and serve others no matter what. The world is a very scary, cruel place, full of equally scary, cruel people and governments. However, no matter how bad things get, there is always something one can do to make things just a little bit better. There's always something one can do to work towards their personal goals, no matter how small or large they are.

I remember when I was either in late middle school/early high school, sitting in my therapist's office, whining about how I just want to be happy. 

"Well... what does happiness look like to you?" my therapist asked. 

"Not being in constant pain and fear..." I replied, shifting uncomfortably in my seat (I'd eaten something that was not agreeing with me whatsoever, which only added to my pain). 

"Ok, so I hear two problems here..." my therapist began, "First, that you're in pain, second, that you're afraid. How can we deal with these two problems? Or, rather, dice them up into a bunch of tiny, fixable problems?"

"Well..." I began with a slight smile, "I can probably start by not eating bacon for breakfast."

"There ya go!" my therapist laughed, "That can help to solve at least one of your problems. What else?"

I honestly forget how the rest of the conversation went that day, but I do know that I left my therapist's office feeling a little more empowered, and a little more hopeful that things can be changed for the better. That there were things within my control that I could change for the better, no matter what. And, if I changed enough little things in my life that were well within my control, one day I may come to realize that I totally fixed my issue of pain, and/or my issue of fear, simply by taking one massive problem, chopping it up into a bunch of much smaller problems, and fixing the biggest problems in my life one little issue at a time. 

Now, as I'm faced with the death of my dog, Hunter, I'm already looking for a new rescue to welcome into my family. This rescue, whatever it may be, will never replace Hunter. Indeed, Hunter is not replaceable in any way, shape, or form. I will always miss him. I wish there was a Trikafta for all creatures that could make them feel young and well again. However, no such pill exists. There will never be a Trikafta against aging. 

As much as my heart throbs for Hunter, I feel compelled to continue my dream of saving animals from the pain and loneliness of abuse and the shelter, one dog at a time. I may not be able to rescue every shelter dog in the world, or even in my city or neighborhood. But I can change the world for whichever shelter dog I choose to come stay with us, as I did for Hunter. Each pet I have, I want to give them the best damn life they could ever ask for, thus changing the world for that animal. 

Perhaps, we ought to treat the world's biggest problems the same way. The world will never be perfect. Society will never be perfect. Humans, both as individuals and as a whole, will never be perfect. If anything, Earth is way closer to hell than to heaven. But, that doesn't mean we should just give up trying to make things better. Sure, we may never fully stamp out hate and discrimination, abuse or death. But we (as individuals) can work on being more loving and accepting ourselves, which in turn makes the world just a little safer, a little kinder, a little less excruciating to live in. If enough individual people work to become more loving and accepting, then entire societies can be influenced and changed for the better. When entire societies change for the better, it can influence outside individuals and societies to do the same. 

And that is how the world changes. 

The world will forever be plagued with hatred, selfishness, wars, famines, corruption, sin, terror, suffering, freak accidents, etc, etc, until the end of time. There will always be people out there who seek to do as much damage to this world as they possibly can. There will always be people out there who will rile up hateful mobs to attack and discriminate marginalized groups. There will always be people who dive off the deep-end, Ye-West-style, and fuck shit up for the rest of us. There will always be people who are sadistically cruel to every living creature they come into contact with. However, that doesn't mean things can't get better as time goes on. That doesn't mean we, as individuals, can't work to be better people, and make our own little circles safer. That doesn't mean that the world doesn't get better with time, because it has, it is, and it always will. 

A decade ago, studies suggested that the first person to live to be 150 years old had already been born. 50 years ago, it was rare to live to 70. As time goes on, humanity progresses. Technology improves. Healthcare improves. The standard of living increases. Wages increase. More and more people get educated and connected with the rest of the world. Four-day-weeks are becoming more and more common. Job conditions continue to improve. Environmentalism is at the forefront of everyone's minds these days, and people and companies are really starting to "go green" as they say. Hell, World of Warcraft just came out with its best expansion in a decade! 

Perhaps, it isn't all doom-and-gloom. Humanity may never be fully just and sinless (at least, not in this realm). But maybe... just maybe... life, liberty, happiness, justice, peace, and love can outweigh all the hate, suffering, evil, and death in this world after all. 

One small step at a time.  

If not, then I pray that a better world lies in the next life. 

In the meantime, I'm gonna keep on doing what I do best: writing, playing World of Warcraft, and shouting obscenities at God from His Ass in the valley. 

So far, so good...