I’m not nearly as afraid of college as I was last semester. But, in the place of fear, I am very much frustrated. Not just because Omicron-Covid put my classes on Zoom for the rest of this week, at least. But, there’s something I can just sense is deeply, terribly wrong with my Literature course. Or, rather, with some of the students I’ll be working with.
I went into college knowing, damn well, I’d have to interact with some irresponsible (and honestly, downright stupid) people, and do things in classes that I didn’t want to do. That is life, and I accept it. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it while being in the thick of it. Because, well, I can already tell at least half of my Literature class is going to fail.
The content in the class isn’t hard at all! In fact, looking at the syllabus, I’m confident I’ll pass the class with flying colors, and may even incorporate some more authors’ writing styles into my own. Problem is, a lot of this class focuses on group discussion work. That’s where the frustration of it all lies.
On the first day of Literature class, the professor asked the class if everyone liked Harry Potter, and practically the whole class erupted in cheers. I, being a bit of a rebel, typed in the chat, “I don’t like Harry Potter, because I don’t like fiction or fantasy that much… The only fiction I really like is World of Warcraft, but I couldn’t care less about the lore.”
Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. But, I did, and a lot of my fellow classmates acted like I just admitted I slaughter cats for a living. The professor calmed things down and asked me if I liked any fiction.
“No, not really…” I replied in my mic, “I have close friends who have spent literal years trying to get me interested in any sort of fiction, but I haven’t budged. I just like nonfiction better. I have nothing against fiction or people who like it. I’m just not interested in fiction.”
“Well, I think I can change that within the next fifteen weeks…” my professor smugly replied.
“Good luck.” I smiled challengingly.
I know, I know. I was being a bit of a hard-ass, but it’s true: I just don’t like fiction all that much. Especially something as redundant and cliche as the Harry Potter series. It just doesn’t click with me, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with liking Harry Potter either. But, I haven’t run into so many Harry Potter fans in one place except for in middle school, or when I visited the Harry Potter museum in London because a friend requested we go. Suddenly, I am once again the only one out of twenty people who doesn’t like Harry Potter. And, I’m starting to sense that a few people don’t like me for that very reason.
Oh, there are other things besides Harry Potter that unsettles me about this class. I’m no longer in class with a bunch of hard-science nerds who share similar interests as me. If anything, it seems like the majority of the people in my class are astrology nerds, and sincerely believe Mars and Venus have a significant impact on our moods and hormones. I wish, so badly, that I was joking. But, I’m already starting to see a few people blame their shortcomings on their “star sign” or whatever the hell it’s called. Again, I wish I was making shit up. But, I’m not a fiction writer. I can’t make this up.
I’m also no longer the “dumb one” in the class. If anything, I seem to be one of the most responsible and resourceful students my professor has ever seen. Since getting paired up with three other people for our first book, The Book of Yaak by Rick Bass (which, by the way, is the one book of the semester I was looking forward to, since it’s a nonfiction memoir by a guy who lived and hunted off the land in the middle of nowhere), I’m literally the only one in the group who has the book (and subsequently, the only productive member of the group, so our weekly discussions feel like I’m talking to a wall). Even though, there are a million different ways one can get the book. Half of them don’t even require you to go anywhere physical to pick it up. ACC even has free, one-day shipping from the school library and bookstore!
Yet, for whatever reason, my group is severely lagging behind. They almost never respond to my texts either, and I’m really starting to worry that they'll just try to pass the class by making me do all the work. I’m so glad the professor set up group discussions in a way so she can tell who is doing the work, and who isn’t. So, at least I won’t fail because everyone else in my group will.
Still, I’m getting really, really pissed off at my group-mates. I get that the last few years have been a shitshow. I get that life happens and can get in the way. But, honestly, if you are too swamped to even get a copy of the damn book when the ACC library and bookstore, the online PDF version offered to us by the ACC library, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Ebay, the book’s publisher, the professor, and a handful of used bookstores around town, all have copies of every book we need for this semester, then you’re too swamped to go to college. I’m sorry. But, it's the truth.
However, I'm not sure if my group-mates are all that swamped. To give them the benefit of the doubt, they might just be burnt out, in which case, they'll either drop the class or fail. I just don't want them to drag me down with them, or cause me any trouble. I've got far too much on my plate right now. I can't pull their weight along with my own, and I won't.
My cynical side has much worse to say about them, but I won't write that here. Again, I'll just refer to my comment about no longer being the dumb one.
But, below my frustration lies deeply-rooted anxiety. Like I said, there's just an awful feeling in my gut that something's not right. Or rather, some of the people I'm interacting with aren't safe and/or trustworthy. There's just something up that I can't quite put a finger on. I wish my intuition would just tell me what the damn issue is, rather than vaguely alluding to it.
Whenever I look at someone, even on a Zoom call or through text, and my hackles just instinctively raise up, I pay attention. That doesn't happen all that often. I'm able to recognize when it's just my anxiety making me weary of others, and when I'm recognizing that something is just plain wrong with someone. I hope I'm making sense.
When I'm anxious over nothing, my body reacts physically by triggering my flight-fight-freeze response, and I find myself thinking over and over, "What am I doing? What am I getting myself into? What made me think I can do this?". When there's a real, tangible threat, such as an approaching thunderstorm while I'm out-of-doors, I will instantly sprint to the nearest safe shelter to ride it out (and I get really, really nervous if I can't find a decent shelter). But, when there's something not quite right that I just can't pin-point, I will go on the defense and investigate the possible threat further, watching for any signs or clues of the potential danger.
That's what I'm currently feeling regarding some of the students in my Literature class. Red flags are popping up left and right. I just don't know why, yet.
I sincerely hope I'm wrong, and seeing people in-person will dispel all of my negative impressions about them. But, more often than not, when I get this terrible, terrible feeling about someone or something, there really is something to guard myself against. This intuition of mine has saved my ass on numerous occasions, protecting me from predators and literal psychopaths, and others who simply wish to take advantage of my gentleness and generosity.
I'm not saying the people in my class who give me bad vibes are psychopaths or predators. Far from it. Just based on my feelings, and the fact that my group-mates aren't doing their work, I'm thinking they're hoping I'll gladly carry 'em through the course. Y'know, take advantage of my work ethic and eagerness to help. Well, I've said it once and I'll say it a million times more: Neither myself nor the professor will allow that. And, if my group-mates get pissed off, so be it. That's on them.
In the meantime, I refuse to stop trying my best just because other people may try to take advantage of that. I will continue to focus on my work and my work alone, at least in college. After all, I believe I'm starting to learn another new lesson from life: how to become a better advocate for myself and set proper boundaries with others, even if I come off as rude or hostile. It's better to be an asshole sometimes than get taken advantage of.