Note: I dodged one hell of a bullet. 

Covid-19 cases in Utah (and in the states in general) have been skyrocketing over the last few weeks or so. Utah was one of the safest states to be in during the pandemic until I arrived. Just a few days after myself, my mom, and my little brother settled in our Utah Airbnb, covid-19 cases began to rise dramatically in Utah while people began to disregard restrictions and guidelines more and more. I was hopeful I could safely return to some type of normality while there, such as going for long hikes in the mountains and going grocery shopping. But, no. 

Mom and I drove around everywhere looking for places to hike, but every single trailhead was packed full of people to the point the police were sending people away. We also drove around looking for grocery stores to shop at, but nearly every store except for Whole Foods was very crowded, and there was a long wait to get into Whole Foods. 

So, I stayed put at our Airbnb for the most part, only leaving the house occasionally to go to my mom’s best friends’ houses. Both Priscilla and Jen have been strictly quarantining since the pandemic began. Priscilla’s two oldest kids, CJ (who is twenty-one) and Christian (who is nineteen), have Crohn’s disease, so they have to take hardcore immunosuppressants to slow down the condition’s progression. That has made them at extremely high risk of developing a severe covid-19 illness. I felt safe going to their houses, especially since my doctors, their doctors, and Jen (who works as the dean of a medical school) all gave us the green light to do so, so long as we didn’t do anything with other people.  

My mom and Priscilla wanted to go to Washington state for a week to hang out and look at houses. My mom is thinking about purchasing a house along the Puget sound to live in for the rest of the pandemic. Personally, I’m not too sure about that. I love Colorado and want to stay there, but my mom does have a point. What’s the point staying in Colorado if I can’t see anyone or go to college during the pandemic? Why not go to Washington for the duration of the pandemic, just for a change in scenery? Then, when everything calms down, we can go home. 

Mom would make more money if she rented out all of our Colorado houses full-time and bought a house in Washington. We would no longer be living in Airbnb’s. We’d live in our own house with our own stuff, which means we won’t have to worry so much about the dogs destroying something, and I wouldn’t be so anxious staying in places that don’t look or feel like our home. 

By the time the pandemic ended, we could afford to move to an even nicer house back in Colorado, and I could finally attend college. So, I honestly didn’t have any valid arguments against living in Washington for awhile, and figured I could use some time in Utah to myself while my mom and Priscilla left for Washington to check out potential houses for us to live in. 

Everything was going as planned. We were all safe and healthy despite the dramatic rise in covid-19 cases in Utah and across the country. My mom and Priscilla put some money together to rent out a mansion along the Puget sound for a week. CJ packed some stuff up and prepared to stay with me and the dogs at our Airbnb in Utah. I was very excited to have some true alone time and finally have my Xterra to myself. I may not have been able to go anywhere specifically, but it would’ve been nice to drive around town while listening to my favorite songs alone, rather than having my mom and little brother with me and giving me crap for my “horrible” taste in music. 

Then, CJ went in for a doctor’s appointment after she started having cold-like symptoms for several days. She did her best to ignore those symptoms. She told us she was feeling a little under the weather, but we all assumed she just had a cold. All she had was a runny nose and was a little more tired than usual. If she had a cold, it wasn’t a big deal if anyone else got it. It was just a cold, after all. When we saw her a couple days after she started getting sniffly, she was still her bubbly, happy-go-lucky self. Clearly, her cold was nothing major. 

At the doctor’s, CJ was tested for covid-19. Her doctor didn’t think she had it, but they still wanted to test CJ anyway to be safe. The doctor told CJ to plan on staying with me for the week, and she’d get her test results back within a couple of days. CJ told everyone what her doctor said, we were all okay with it. I still planned on holding down the fort with CJ’s help while my mom and Priscilla traveled to Washington state together.

A half hour before CJ was supposed to arrive at the house, my mom called me frantically. I was busy raiding the fridge the first couple of times she called, but I was by my phone the third time she called and picked up. 

“Hey, pack your stuff! I’m almost home.” my mom practically shouted in my ear. 

“What? Why?” I asked in a very alarmed tone. 

“CJ tested positive for covid-19!” 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt my heart drop so hard before.

“Holy…” I trailed off. I felt woozy and my legs got wobbly. I stumbled over to the couch and expelled all of the air from my lungs as I collapsed. 

“We’re okay. We’re gonna get tested in Washington. I know we were around CJ a lot, but CJ was almost completely asymptomatic, and I was reading some studies online that said it’s much harder to get sick from asymptomatic people.” my mom assured me, “Besides, even if we do have it, it’s not the end of the world. We’re all really healthy, and we’ll be at sea level in Washington. It’s much easier to breathe down there than up here.”

I laid on the couch in silence, trying to collect my thoughts while breathing in deeply and exhaling heavily. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks. My worst nightmare was coming true. 

“Maya? Are you still there?” my mom asked. 

“Yeah.... Yeah, I’m still here.” I stuttered, “I’m j-just. I’m just scared. Really, s-s-scared.”

“It’s okay. We’re okay. Like I said, we’re gonna get tested in Washington. But, none of us are sick and CJ’s case seems to be very mild, even though she’s immunocompromised. If CJ can survive this easily, so can we.” 

“Okay, mom. You’re right.” 

“Alright. Start packing up. We’re gonna stop in Boise, and I don’t want us to drive in the dark.”

“Okay.” I said, and then hung up. 

It took me almost ten minutes to gather up the strength to get to my feet again. The whole time I was laying down, I had my hands on my head while I took in long, deep breaths. I knew if I could still breathe as well as I could, then I was probably fine. Still, I was really scared. I had been around CJ and her family a lot while she unknowingly had covid-19. I knew there was a very real possibility that we were all presymptomatic and/or asymptomatic carriers of the deadly virus. 

I was also terrified of possibly losing CJ to the virus. She was at higher risk than me due to her immunosuppressants, which she could not get off of. I may not be a very extroverted or outwardly affectionate person, but I still deeply love my friends and family. It tears me to shreds when I know someone I love is suffering. 

I packed my stuff up in record time, leaving behind only a few things. We’d be back to our Airbnb in Salt Lake in a week, so we didn’t need to bring everything. My mom arrived soon after I hung up the phone, and helped me pack up and clean up the house. I washed the dishes and mopped the floors, while she vacuumed the carpets and folded our laundry. Once everything was packed up and cleaned, we stuffed the back of the Xterra with our bags, and sped off to Boise in the late afternoon. 

We sat in deafening silence as we drove past barren mountains and fields peppered in sagebrush. None of us in the truck spoke. We were attempting to slowly digest everything that was going on. 2020 threw yet another monkey wrench at us. I went from being ecstatic to having the Utah house almost completely to myself for a week, to sitting in the passenger seat of the Xterra while Mom drove, trying to figure out what the future held for us. 

At some point, my mom patted me on the shoulder. I'd been listening to hard rock, trying to scatter my anxious thoughts for a few hours. 

“Isn’t it cool that we’re taking your Xterra on such a big adventure?” she asked, smiling. 

“Yeah… I guess.” I shrugged. 

“I’m so glad we took this and not the rav4. The V6 does really well up in the mountains, the four-wheel-drive works really well in the rain and snow, and this truck just has so much room. We wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere if we still had the rav.” Mom rambled, “You made an excellent choice, Maya. Good job!”

“Thanks.” I mumbled.

I knew my mom was just trying to peel our minds away from our current reality. I commend her for her attempts, but as much as I loved talking about trucks, it wasn’t helping much. My mom could tell I was failing to hold back tears, especially when I turned my head to hide a few tears from her.

“We’ll be okay, honey.” Mom sighed, “I know it’s scary, but we’ll survive just fine. Remember what your doctors said?”

I nodded, then sniffled as tears streamed down my face. 

“Just remember that. Even if we have covid, it won’t be worse than a cold. CJ is just fine right now. She just has a runny nose. If CJ can survive this with just a runny nose, then we’ll be just fine too. Don’t worry, Maya. We’re gonna pull through. We’re in this together. You, me, Jack, and the dogs. You are not alone.”

“I...know.” I croaked, “I’m just scared.”

“I know you are.” Mom replied, “But, I’m not. I’m upset we might not be able to see Priscilla or Jen anymore if they test positive and we don’t. But, I’m not afraid. It’s okay to be scared. I understand. But, just know facts aren’t feelings. You feel scared, but you know you’ll be just fine. Again, it won’t be worse than a cold. You’re young and healthy.”

My mom was right, but I was still very emotional for the rest of our drive to our Airbnb in Boise. Our Airbnb hosts usually didn’t allow dogs to stay there. But, when my mom explained our situation to them, our Airbnb hosts not only told us it was perfectly okay for us to bring the dogs, they bought us a few groceries as well so we didn’t have to go anywhere and risk spreading the disease to others. 

It was pretty late when we arrived at our Airbnb for the night. I offered to pull an all-nighter to watch the dogs so Mom could sleep. I could sleep in the truck on the way to Washington while my mom drove. I was also too anxious to go to sleep. I spent most of the night alternating between pacing around the house from anxiety, and playing World of Warcraft on my laptop while the dogs slept at my feet. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I was just waiting for my alarm to go off or for Penny to jump on my face, saving me from this horrible, vivid nightmare. Instead, being the clumsy person I’ve always been, I split my toes against a doorframe while I was walking out of the bathroom. The sharp pain reminded me that I was not dreaming. What I was going through was, very unfortunately, real life. 

Right at the crack of dawn, I heard my mom’s feet hit the floor above me. About twenty minutes later, she came downstairs brushing her wet hair, almost ready to go. 

“You’ve got everything packed up?” Mom asked. 

“Yes. Everything except my laptop.” I replied as I exited World of Warcraft. 

I slipped my laptop into my backpack, checked my pockets to make sure I had everything I carried with me, then began to count all seventeen of my morning medications, which I took in one handful with a large glass of milk. I refused to eat or drink anything else until we got to our Airbnb in Washington, so I never had the urge to go to the bathroom. There was no way in hell any of us were gonna go inside any gas station. We’d only stop at the pump when my gas guzzler needed it. 

We were on the road once again around seven in the morning. I was tired, but not tired enough to sleep. It wasn’t long before my anxiety spiked again, especially when I began to sniffle a little bit. I had forgotten to take my allergy medication the night before. But, my brain instantly went to the possibility of having covid-19. For almost an hour, I sat still and silent as I catastrophized everything in my mind. I could’ve easily opened up to my mom about what I was thinking. She would’ve understood my problems and knew what to say to calm me down. But, for some dumb reason, I thought it would be better if I suffered silently and alone, allowing the emotions to build up until I couldn’t hold them back anymore. 

I finally burst into tears, and for a moment, my mom glanced at me like I was crazy. She soon figured out what was wrong. She knew, just by the panicked look in my eyes, that I was terrified. And, rightfully so. Ever since the pandemic began, my biggest fear was somehow contracting covid-19. I spent so much time and energy obsessing over it so I knew how to protect myself against it. I made so many sacrifices to protect myself from it. I spent the vast majority of my year indoors, playing video games until my eyes felt like they were melting out of their sockets, sleeping the days away, and oftentimes just sitting on the couch mindlessly staring into space. Yet, for some horrible reason, I got exposed to the virus, and there was a very good chance I now had it. 

I can’t say I was surprised. I’ve always had a knack of winning the shittiest lotteries ever. But, that didn’t help me cope with the crushing pain of getting covid-19 after all I’d done to stay safe from it. I was defeated. I was terrified. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was just broken. 

My mom let me cry my eyeballs out for several hours. She knew I just needed to let it all out in the safety and isolation of the Xterra. To be honest, it felt good to cry. I’d bottled up my emotions for most of the year, trying my absolute hardest to smile in the depths of hell. But, the dam had to break at some point. I’m just glad the dam broke while I was in the Xterra with just my mom and little brother in the middle of nowhere, than in Utah in front of our friends, or at my grandparents’ house where my grandparents would have no idea what to do with me. At least my mom understood exactly where I was coming from, and knew it was best to just let me get all of my emotions out of my system. 

By the time we made it to our Airbnb in Washington, I’d stopped crying. But, I felt awful. I was sleep deprived, nauseous because I hadn’t eaten in over a day, and emotionally a total wreck. My mom figured it was best to give the dogs to a friend for the week so I didn't have to worry about them. While she and my little brother left to drop off the dogs, I let myself into our new home for the next seven days and headed straight for the shower. A long, steamy shower was just what I needed to get my shit together so I could fall asleep.

I slept for a good fourteen hours or so, and would’ve slept more if my mom didn’t wake me up. She burst into my bedroom declaring, “Yay! Nobody has covid! Everyone tested negative! And CJ is just fine. She’s almost totally asymptomatic, and she’s had covid for at least a week!”

It took a moment for my groggy mind to figure out what my mom was saying. But, once I did, I felt like I could breathe again. We averted yet another major crisis. Nobody except for CJ had covid-19, and CJ was doing just fine at her home. She was nowhere near as sick as I thought she would be. All she had was a runny nose. Beyond that, she was still her old self. 

It’s now been almost four days since CJ tested positive for covid-19. Since everyone tested negative for the virus, we’ve been able to get together again. However, we’ve been even more cautious than before, thanks to our brush with covid-19. I refuse to go anywhere where there are people. I get very scared if I see people approaching me on the sidewalk, and have to cross the road to put some distance between us. I used to feel fairly safe in my N95 mask. Now, I don’t anymore. CJ also had a heavy-duty mask like mine, yet she somehow still got covid-19. Where she got it? We don’t know. For the last four months, she’s only gone to the grocery store and her doctor’s office. Wherever she got it, it’s terrifying to think just how easy it is to get covid-19. Yet, some of us can practically bathe in the virus, but we don’t get it for some strange reason. 

We were in close contact with CJ while she was showing minor symptoms. We had dinner with her a couple of nights. My mom and her drove in the Xterra to pick up milkshakes for us. We played board games with CJ. CJ went with her mom to the grocery store and the park. CJ’s little sister, Alex, even stayed at CJ’s house for a couple of days just before CJ’s covid-19 test results came back. Yet, nobody got covid-19 from CJ. 

It’s such a weird little virus, ain’t it?