Note: I’m finally feeling more like my old self again. This means that I’m getting back into art, which has always been a hobby of mine. Since my state has essentially been put on lockdown due to the coronavirus, and I don’t expect the problem to diminish in three weeks, I might be stuck at home with my growing collection of colored pencils and sketchbooks for awhile. I’m happy with that, to be honest. Also, I’m still going outside. I’m just avoiding crowded parks and stores. Thankfully, I have a set of wheels to get me around to places far away from civilization, and enough people to contact who will give me their best secret fishing spots to try out as people in Denver and Breckenridge continue to unreasonably panic about the virus. 

Panicking is never good, especially when it comes to things like this new coronavirus. Severe anxiety actually weakens your immune system, leaving you more susceptible to getting all sorts of nasty infections you would’ve been much less likely to get if you just stayed calm. The media also likes to hype things up for money. CNN and Fox are just as guilty as your local vegan anti-vax mom when it comes to spreading misinformation and panic. Keep that in mind the next time you have the urge to panic-buy the next roll of toilet paper you see. If this continues for longer than a month, toilet paper might seriously be a form of currency. I have plenty of it, and I’d be more than happy to trade twenty rolls of shit tickets and a gallon of bleach for a pickup truck. Hit me up if you’re interested. Serious inquiries only.  

I guess you could call me an artist. I’ve always enjoyed the arts. I grew up passing the time by filling up stacks of sketchbooks with my drawings, and playing the piano and guitar, getting better and better as I grew up and practiced more. I was never interested in drawing mythical creatures like dragons or unicorns, or writing my own music. Instead, I loved to draw animals and play songs that already existed, and am still the same way to this day. The same can be said about my writing. I’m not a fiction writer. Never was. Probably never will be. But, I can write about the things I experience in real life, as well as my opinions on real life issues I think are important to discuss. 

I have nothing against those who like to delve into fiction, but I personally believe that the real world is way too interesting, wild, and beautiful to replace with fiction. From the perspective of most outsiders, I’m living a life most think is just science fiction. I walk around with portable treatments designed to keep my lungs clear and medicated. I breathed in viruses to combat bacterial lung infections that nearly killed me. And, I’m technically one of the world’s first genetically modified humans thanks to Trikafta. While the medication didn’t change my DNA, it did change the anatomy of each and every one of my cells to the point my CF became almost completely asymptomatic. Science fiction honestly creeps me the hell out, because I’m actually living a life many science fiction authors write about, completely oblivious to the fact that they’re not exactly writing fiction.  

Aside from that, I really enjoy immersing myself in the wilderness and just relaxing. Being isolated out in the country, surrounded by nature, far away from other people, cleanses my soul and recharges my social battery, so when I return to the city (which I utterly despise), I can tolerate it for a few weeks before my short fuse gets even shorter. My patience with people is especially low right now because the coronavirus has proven just how fucking stupid and gross people are. I can’t believe so many people haven’t started washing their hands until now. I also can’t believe just how panicked people are. Toilet paper, surgical masks, fist-fighting over the last bottle of lemon scented hand soap, being racist against anyone who even looks slightly Asian, and a constant supply of cortisol flowing through your veins, ain’t gonna rescue you from the virus. Washing your hands, staying home, staying calm, enjoying the great outdoors, turning off the news, abstaining from junk food and caffeine, enjoying independent hobbies, and ordering your groceries and take-out online (especially Chinese take-out because it’s delicious), will help prevent you and others from getting covid-19. 

Anyway…

When I hang out in the great outdoors, I really pay attention to the things around me, so when I come back home I can try to replicate those things in my artwork. I like to explore the wilderness around me, and study the details of every tree and blade of grass I come across. I enjoy driving around the country in the evening to catch a glimpse of the mule deer and the occasional coyote that are usually on the move. I enjoy sitting by little streams and ponds to watch the waterfowl go about their daily lives, and try to get as many pictures of them as possible to bring home and use as references.

Sometimes, the geese like to get a little too up close and personal, but that’s just what geese do. So far, I’ve found that if I just sit still and silent, the geese won’t do more than curiously bite at my shoelaces for a few seconds at most. But, I’m still traumatized thanks to a handful of unfortunate experiences I’ve had with those animals over the years, so I try to keep a safe distance from them while watching them. Still, geese, like all animals, are beautiful creatures that I enjoy replicating in my artwork. That means I really have to study them to get the details just right. The internet is great and all when it comes to finding photo references for my artwork, but nothing beats seeing those animals up close and personal in their natural environment. 

I love drawing and painting, but mostly drawing with my ultra-expensive colored pencils. They’re not as messy as paint, and I don’t have to wait for them to dry. I only use one brand of colored pencils to draw. Any other brand is basically useless to me, and I won’t use those other brands except to sign my name and the date once a piece is completed. I love the way my favorite brand of pencils blends in with the paper and other colors. Also, I just love the way the pencils feel while I’m using them. They aren’t too hard, but they aren’t too soft either. They’re just right for me.

I don’t draw dragons or unicorns. Instead, I draw animals and landscapes that I’m most familiar with. Aside from going out into the wilderness to see those things in-person, I use pictures that I took and/or found online to use as references so I can really nail the details. But, my style of art is still pretty simplistic compared to a lot of realism, and I’ve grown to like it. I used to really struggle to like my art, because I could never make it as detailed or realistic as I wanted to. But, ever since I started using reference pictures and the one brand of colored pencils I like, I actually appreciate most of my pieces enough to frame them and give them to people. They’re still pretty simplistic, but that simplistic style grew on me over time. I always strive to be more detailed and realistic every time I sit down to draw something, but I’m usually happy with whatever I produce even if it's not incredibly detailed. 

People are often surprised to learn that I don’t sell my artwork. I don’t sell my artwork because I just don’t want to. I make enough money working small online jobs for the real estate company my mom works for, and to me, selling my artwork would take away from the joy and excitement I feel whenever I give a piece to someone. 

(By the way, I have a handful of framed drawings that haven’t been claimed yet. My goal is to give everyone I know one of my drawings, especially since I have a lot of them. Since all of my relatives and most of my coworkers have at least one piece of mine, I’m trying to find other people who would like a piece, or two, or three. I have enough paper, pencils, and picture frames to fill an entire art museum. I don’t have enough wall space or nails to display all my work in my house. Most of my art is just sitting against the wall in frames, or are in portfolios and boxed up. Seriously, let me know if you want a handful. I’m starting to look like a hoarder!)

My art is my own little way of serving others the best way I know how. I’m not good at showing affection to people, at least in ways most people show it. I’m not touchy-feely, I don’t talk that much, and I'd rather play tetherball with a wasp nest than speak in front of a large crowd. But, I make up for my introverted personality with the artwork I produce, which I always give away to those who want it. Since I'm always working on improving my artwork, and also just need something to do at home, I always have lots of artwork to give away. Most aren't in frames, but I go out and buy frames from my favorite art store whenever they go on sale. I may even get into making my own frames, especially now since I'm gonna be pent up at home for awhile. Might as well try new things while we wait out the global pandemic!

While I don’t always like my own artwork, many other people like literally any piece I produce, including pieces that make me cringe to look at. My boss sent me an email, multiple paragraphs long, thanking me for a piece I gave him for Christmas a couple years back. He emphasized how much peace it brought him every time he looked at it, and also told me a lot of guests have asked where he got the painting, which he hung up in his front foyer for everyone to see. I don’t remember what I painted for him. But, I still have that email archived somewhere, along with many other emails from people thanking me for the art I gave them. 

This last Christmas, I gave my great grandparents a drawing of a caribou I spent over three hours straight on from start to finish. They’ve since put the picture in a fancy gold frame on their living room mantel, and brag about it to everyone they invite into their home. They even posted it on Facebook and bragged about it there, where other people commented how beautiful and impressive they thought my drawing was. While I didn’t (and still don’t) like the caribou I drew, and could give a mile-long list of reasons why, I feel overwhelmed with love and joy whenever I think about how proud my great grandparents are to have one of my pieces, and how much joy it brings them and everyone else they show it off to. 

I guess I don’t really draw or paint for myself, even though it does give me something to do and I enjoy it. I draw and paint knowing that if I spend a few hours putting my heart and soul into a piece, I’ll like it enough to carefully peel it out of my sketchbook, sign and date it, and slip it into a picture frame to eventually give to someone I love and care about. 

However, not every piece of art I do leaves my sketchbook. Sometimes it takes me a few tries to draw something that actually looks like what I’m trying to draw. Believe it or not, sometimes my brain just won’t cooperate with my hands, and I end up with something that looks more like a couple of circles connected by a few squiggly lines than a recognizable animal that actually exists. Those stick figure drawings never leave my sketchbook, unless I decide to take them out, crumple them into little balls, and throw them across the garage at the recycling bin before anyone has a chance to steal one of my sketchbooks and show off my failures. 

When I was in Minnesota last summer, I passed a lot of the time I spent outside with the little bull calf, drawing in my sketchbook. One day, I made the mistake of leaving out my fullest sketchbook on the kitchen table, and over lunch, my grandma and little cousins were all crowded around it, flipping through the pages and commenting on every piece they came across. It made me super uncomfortable knowing that those three could see every single failed and unfinished drawing of mine I hadn’t ripped out and tossed yet. They were spending at least two minutes on each piece talking about it, completely oblivious to the fact that I was standing in the kitchen doorway trying to suppress an anxiety attack. 

Also, I can’t do anything when I know people are watching me. That’s a main reason why I don’t play the piano or guitar unless I’m the only one at home. It doesn’t matter if I’m typing, playing music, drawing, or even doing something as basic as cooking food in the microwave. If I know someone is watching my every move, I get super panicky and basically forget my own name, let alone whatever I’m trying to accomplish.

I wish I could sit down and just play the piano all day for those who like it, especially since most people can’t believe that I actually know how to play even though I’ve never learned how to read notes (I can just play by listening to a song a few times). But I just don’t have any confidence in myself or trust that others won’t judge every little note I play, which is why I can’t play the piano or guitar for anyone but myself. I was much more outgoing when I was little, but that was before school annihilated whatever confidence I used to have.

Thankfully, I have the confidence to show off my finished drawings and writing. I’m still not very public about those things (which is why I’m not selling my artwork, and also why I don’t plan on attending any public events to market my book when my memoir gets published), but I still like to share my work with those who I know will enjoy it. I guess God gave me these creative talents knowing damn well I’d have the social skills and self-confidence of a brick, and for that I’m extremely grateful. I mean, I'm grateful for my artistic talents. I'm not grateful for my severe social anxiety. If an instant cure for social anxiety was discovered tomorrow, I'd cure it in a heartbeat. 

I may not know how to put together a coherent sentence when I’m talking to a room full of people. Hell, I often get tongue-tied just asking my mom what's for dinner. But, at least I know how to write, and can also create artwork to bring joy to those I love and care about. Believe it or not, I’m actually pretty affectionate, and do like to make people smile. I just don’t do hugs often, and I will never talk publicly about anything ever. And, that’s okay!

And, I might as well include my most recent finished drawing. It was sitting in my sketchbook as one of those "stick-figure" sketches, and I decided to fix it and finish it.