Note: I wrote this Tuesday, January 20th, while waiting for my first class of the semester to start.

Yesterday (Monday), I wrote a short blog about how I was feeling pretty good about starting my fourth semester at university, all things considered. However, as I type this, I am currently sitting in the student commons building just feet away from the lecture hall where most of my classes will be held… and I am shitting bricks.

My anxiety has me by the fucking throat, bringing with it all of my Imposter syndrome and every single “what if” question possible. As I sit here, staring out the stories-tall windows that overlook Speer boulevard and the heart of downtown Denver, people-watching and thinking, I find myself comparing myself to everyone else, against my better judgement.

Around here, I stick out like a sore thumb in every possible way. Around here, in the hustle and bustle of a big city campus, I am on high alert. My nervous system is prepped to take on a goddamned tiger, even though I know that there is literally nothing to be afraid of.

Logically- as always- I know that what I’m currently feeling and thinking are just symptoms of anxiety and excitement, which both impact the body exactly the same way. Logically, I know that today will be the hardest, scariest day of the semester, because I’m beginning a brand new routine, where I’ll be learning brand new material (for the most part), surrounded by brand new people. Logically, I understand that I haven’t been to Denver at all except to go snorkeling and to the museum since early December, so I need to get re-used to this loud, urban environment. 

I could go on and on… 

However, my anxiety doesn’t listen to logic. My physiology couldn’t care less about what my logical, rational mind says. My anxiety simply sees large crowds and tall buildings and tells my body, “We gotta get outta here right fucking now!” 

By sitting here in the student commons building, calmly typing away while listening to relatively relaxing country music, I am actively defying my nervous system and telling it to chill the fuck out. Eventually, it will. But, in order for my nervous system to relax, it has to exhaust itself first, which requires me to actively and willingly sit here and let my body feel the symptoms of anxiety without caving to it. 

My body is screaming at me to sprint across campus back to my Xterra as fast as I can. My heart is probably beating 100 times per minute as I sit perfectly still. Unless I consciously force myself to take deep, slow breaths, I will hyperventilate myself into a panic attack. 

However, I know- logically- that if I just sit with this anxiety and let my body freak out, eventually the anxiety will pass. Eventually, my body will figure out that I’m not in any danger, and there’s nothing to be afraid of. Soon enough, this fear- this anxiety that I logically understand is fucking stupid- will soon pass. 

It just takes time.