Originally published on Old Writers Website Friday, 01 September 2017
Republished on current website on 5-2-19, with some minor spelling and grammar edits
Despite the dramaticness of the title, this is not an overly emotional piece (unless you count frustration).
This is, instead, a...27 minute attempt (because I have homework) to say a bunch of things that are spinning in my head. So really, it's a rant.
Context first:
So as I was finishing up research lab this afternoon, the lady who works in the lab next door came by to vent to Mrs. Halm about her son (the lady's. Not Mrs. Halm's). We'll call the son Ken. Anyway, the Lady Nextdoor was super stressed out because her son (he's in 9th grade) is supposed to be working on his science fair project, and the idea/concept/draft is due soon, and apparently he's talked about some ideas with her, and then about robot-things with his dad, but hasn't really gotten any farther - the mother, mind you, because she is a lab tech, had already worked out almost all of a potential project involving - so exciting! - GRASS. Yeah. Dr. Halm didn't think that would be real interesting to a 14 year old boy either. Can't say that I'd find it interesting, and I'm a science student. So I asked her what he was interested in - video games, apparently - so I suggested maybe doing something with ballistics. Dr. Halm suggested something involving rubber-band guns, 'cause those are far more interesting than grass. She didn't think much of that idea, mostly because physics isn't her strong point and, "I'll have to do it, because he won't, and if I put my husband in charge of helping him, neither of them will do anything..."
What bothered me most about this conversation was that there were lots of things I wanted to say or explain but couldn't. She's in hyper-control mode because "He just won't do anything! He'll sit around and play computer games all day! He's already missed three assignments and the school year just started!" Might I add that, during the course of the conversation, she mentioned that his MAP score was 11th grade math and college level English. The kid is probably dying of boredom (which I did mention).
So here's the title: things I wish I could tell parents in this position (in no particular order):
The kid is dying of boredom. He's brilliant, and school is stupid. Assignments that are dumb (and most of them probably are, especially for him), aren't worth the time doing. Not when he's just facing another 4 years of more pointless assignments, when he could be doing something else. Taking away his phone isn't the answer (not because it's drastic, but because it doesn't fix the underlying problem). Distractions aren't his problem. Dumb assignments are his problem. There's no challenge, so of course he isn't motivated, and by practically writing/creating his science fair project for him (yes, I know it won't get done otherwise, that's not the part I'm arguing with*), you are removing any chance of interest or challenge it might hold for him. Punishment is not the answer here. You need a stick AND a carrot.
Stick: will lose his phone if he misses another assignment
Potential carrot: we will get you into a level appropriate class (College Credit Plus, anyone?)
The kid doesn't need more negative. It's that the positives aren't worth the work. There isn't enough immediate payout.
Now, you can do what the Lady Nextdoor is doing and practically carry them through highschool (insane burden on parent, & kid never learns to stand), OR you can TEACH them how to stand. NO, that isn't what you are currently doing, and NO, the alternative to carrying them is not to simply abandon them cold-turkey. That doesn't help either.
What this kid needs now is a reason to work. And it can't be external (which is what punishment is - motivation imposed upon someone). It MUST be internal. The kid needs something that interests him.
He's in 9th grade and likes computers/robots, right? See if there's a local FIRST Lego League team (it would be his last year), or put him into FIRST this year or next year. I don't care how dumb you think it sounds - this is for HIM, NOT YOU.
Find something he likes (besides video games) and let him go head-long into it. Let him get involved and internally motivated.
THEN pull out the "Now, we want you to be able to keep doing this," (note the 'we are for you' phrasing), "but if your grades aren't up by ______, we will have to pull you out".
Please notice a couple of things here:
1) fun/motivating challenge for kid comes first. You won't be able to do anything with them until they are internally motivated, and that is up to them. You can expose them to activities, MAYBE forcefully sign them up (only if it is something right up their alley - THEIR alley, not what YOU think their alley "should" be), but they aren't three years old anymore, you can't simply "put them in ___" and expect them to do anything. Kids this age (or any age, for that matter) have minds of their own, and they rebel at being treated as though they were mindless or worthless.
2) Get behind them. Once they have their motivating activity, give them your full support. SUPPORT, I said, not pushing! Let them take the initiative, ALWAYS give them a way out if their interests change, but be open to driving them those few extra miles to that tournament, etc. And don't let them hear you complain about it. Believe it or not, kids do develop ears, and if you complain about all the driving or equipment or the time involved in whatever this is, it will hurt them. Let them know that you are on their team and that you are proud of them. Let them see it in your body language, especially.
3) Once kids like Ken have a reason to work, nothing on heaven or earth will stop them until they have achieved their goal. Right now, Ken is facing four years of mind-numbing boredom and angry parents. What's motivating about that? Fear, some might say. Prevention of worse, perhaps. But he's already dealing with it now, and there's no immediate pay-out for changing his behavior. There's no sugar. But get him into something school-related that motivates him, give him that sugar, and THEN you will be able to work with him. NOW he will see a reason to put in the extra effort. MAYBE it's fear of having the privilege taken away. Or maybe it's something he can earn.
Let him know that you understand the assignments are stupid. And yes, have a frank talk with him about how, unfortunately, there are a LOT of things in life that are stupid, and the only way to get through life is to occasionally deal with them. And then make it worth his while. Even if you have to get corny. Maybe every assignment he turns in gets him a star, and an A gets 2 stars. Maybe stars can be cashed in for that sweet new game he's eyeing, or every assignment that gets turned in on time is an extra hour of video games. Maybe if he finishes out the year in good academic standing (this is long term, so it needs to be supplemented with more immediate rewards), you can all take that one special trip he's been wanting.
Is this complicated and MAYBE expensive? Sure. But I've seen the alternative: brilliant kids who drop out or end up homeless at 26 because everything is stupid and there's no point. Or maybe there is a point - but they never learned how to turn that point, that motivation, into useful, sustained action. Perhaps because their parents carried them, instead of teaching them how to stand.
...And I went WAAYYY over my time limit! See you later - Homework calls!
~ Megan
*May 2nd Note: I'd also like to point out that the purpose behind science fair projects & similar assignments is NOT for the assignment to look nice and be completed on time. I know, it's mind blowing, but that is NOT the purpose. The true purpose of these assignments is for the KID to LEARN HOW TO DO. How to pick a question, how to design a working experiment off of it, how to conduct the experiment, and gather data. This is stuff the kid has to learn to do, and while you can guide them, show them, and coach them, THEY have to do it, OR THEY LEARN NOTHING, AND THE WHOLE ASSIGNMENT IS POINTLESS